tri thin

148

2012-01-20T15:03:00.002-05:00

eish. stupid beer.

came across this song today, wanted to share it.

wanted

146

2012-01-14T10:10:00.002-05:00

b. egg whites & wheat tst
s. almonds
l. salmon & small salad
s. apple & cheese
d. chx stirfry

followed yesterday's plan almost perfectly! I wish I could wake up tomorrow at 123, but I can't! I need to find some patience so that I don't lose motivation too soon.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them--every day begin the tasks anew."

146

2012-01-13T07:14:00.002-05:00

b. light protein shake w/ banana
s. almonds
l. lettuce wrap
s. celery, carrots & pb
d. grilled chx & bkd potato

must be healthy & lose weight.

trying to remind myself that being healthy is more important than being thin.

be healthy. be happy.

must adopt that mantra.

146

2012-01-09T10:20:00.002-05:00

and that is my weigh in after breakfast & with wet hair :)

So thrilled to be on my way back down.

My roommate and I started a little competition with weekly weigh ins. Whoever loses the least (or gains) that week has to put $8 in a jar. At the end of our challenge whoever lost the most overall wins the entire pot! I put $4 in to start it off and by April 1 it will be $100. Bragging rights and a little extra cash is a good motivator for both of us...or at least we're hoping it continues to be.

147

2012-01-08T21:52:00.002-05:00

Currently reading Fat Land: How Americans Became the Fattest People in the World.

One part made me laugh out loud, not because it was particularly funny, but on a personal level I thought it was worthy of a chuckle.

When I was younger graham crackers were one of my first trigger foods. I could easily eat an entire box in one sitting. I still don't keep them in the house and I'm fairly certain it's been five years since my last graham cracker. Anyway, Sylvester Graham, a presbyterian minister invented the graham cracker. He also publicly attacked overeating as a form of overstimulation, which would lead to other sinful behaviors. Oh my!

but can't argue with that. I'm a glutton. I also exhibit other sins on a daily basis, such as lust, greed, sloth & envy.

But who cares, I prefer my box of graham crackers empty & my bed full ;)

147

2012-01-05T13:38:00.002-05:00

Oooh & to add to the fun, my ex just started dragging me through court, he is trying to get full custody of our son. For those of you who have followed me for a while know he suffers from bipolar disorder, which is still being poorly treated. He has several DUIs on record, severe anxiety problems with several attacks that left him hospitalized and the house he lives in is filled with holes he's punched in the walls & doors. I don't think he'll be awarded custody, but it's so frustrating having to deal with it and I still kill myself with worry over the 'what ifs'

I spent all of last night curled up in a ball crying and drinking whiskey. I feel like my life may always be filled with so much baggage that no man will want to take it all on. The idea of spending my life alone honestly terrifies me, but I'm trying to remain positive and am so proud of myself for not letting all of this set off a binge-purge episode. I have been doing so well keeping the bulimia at bay and I refuse to allow it to creep back in.

This morning I sucked it up and reminded myself that my life can be better, but only if I'm better.

I pulled myself out of bed & met a friend for coffee
I loaded up my fridge with fruits, veggies & kombucha
I went for a run & did a little yoga

Hoping I can hold on to the healthy outlook throughout all of this drama, but I find myself already wishing I had teacher's shoulder to cry on & that only makes me want to cry harder...

148

2012-01-03T00:45:00.002-05:00

up 3lbs since July. Could be worse...I guess.

I broke up with teacher, but I still love him. I miss him terribly, but things weren't right. We dated for over a year and it took me that long to realize he is not the kind of man I want to help me raise my son. & I'll get over it someday, but right now the loneliness is eating away at me.

145

2011-07-28T07:25:00.002-04:00

Ugh, moving. Such an exhausting chore, but two upsides: 1. It's a great workout carrying loads of furniture up & down stairs and 2. I'm moving in with 2 friends which will save me hundreds of dollars a month on rent (yes, my son is still with me, he is moving in too.)

School starts in a few weeks, for both my son and I. I think we are equally nervous, he is starting Kindergarten and I'm returning to College for my Masters in Chemistry. Pretty big stuff happening in August for this littly family.

& I'm happy to hear all of the supportive comments from you about the monogamish relationship I'm in. (thanks Savage Love for that word & thanks for telling me about the blog drink me.) It is good to hear that I'm not completely crazy to want this set up. I'm happy and will certaily ask for change (or leave) the relationship if I'm ever unhappy with it. A huge change I've made in my life is learning to ask for exactly what I want or need from a relationship, it helps that teacher is respectful and always makes an effort to follow through with my requests, even if they are as little as holding my hand or making more time for me. I'm hoping I never settle for a man who does less.

148

2011-07-21T23:33:00.002-04:00

fuck

it is has been forever, is anyone still randomly following this?

Surprisingly, I'm still dating Teacher. We are making a little room for each other, so it's kind of like an open relationship. I've cheated twice. He's cheated once. We've been honest. I cheat because I like attention, I'm new to being single...I'm insecure, reassurance from others that I'm worthy (even just worthy enough to fuck) makes me feel better than my usual self. He cheated because he was tempted & he fell for temptation. & to me that is a fair enough excuse.

In all honesty I gave up on hopes of monogamy being my path years ago, but I feel uncomfortable wondering what others will think of me continuing to date Teacher, but also dating other people. I want to say 'fuck other people' but I know I am not capable of disconnecting myself from outside judgement.

I cannot remember the last time I purged.
I still binge.
I still starve.
I still make up idiotic diets to lose weight fast.

Obviously nothing is working. I'm consistently pudgy & it is beyond frustrating.

149

2011-05-31T23:25:00.002-04:00

Life is harder than I think it should be, but I'm honestly not complaining.

Dealing with custody fights.

Struggling to make enough to keep my apartment.

& yet, I'm still having the best time of my life! I'm happy and finally on my way to something I want.

150

2011-05-23T23:09:00.002-04:00

So, I won't lie...I'm a little tipsy right now, some might call it drunk, but I have to put these thoughts out there somehow. I can't share it with friends because I don't want them to worry...

I feel so torn with Teacher, I can't tell if I'm in love or am I just happy someone loves me?

How do I know the difference?

153

2011-05-22T08:48:00.002-04:00

So no real update because I'm basically still where I was when I was 9 and my eating disorder first entered my life. I'm insecure and horribly out of control with food, the only difference is now I'm not purging.

I weigh 153lbs. I've been binge eating far too frequently, but I haven't purged. I am aware my body has no real awareness of feeling full. If I even get close to feeling full I can't stop eating, I have to keep going until my stomach is so full I feel like I'm going to burst. It's awful; binge eating, but never purging. The guilt stays in you for days instead of being immediately released. I tried to purge the other night, but I just kept gagging and I realized my body is no longer accumstomed to the habit and I needed to keep it that way. I hope I continue to be strong willed about not giving in to purging.

I'm making no promises or plans, my whole life is filled with broken promises and unexecuted plans, but I did run last night for the first time in what feels like months and I hope I continue until it is a regular habit again.

I want to end on a positive because the group thearpy sessions are trying to teach us to focus on the positives in our lives that have no real association with the # on the scale. So, I guess on the plus side: I'm still dating Teacher and he truly has been the best addition to my life (I just wish I could accept his love everyday, but my doubt creeps in and holds me back from really falling). I almost came out to him about my food issues, but decided against it for now. Someday, whether it is him or not, I want the man I love to know my darkest secret.

147

2011-04-30T08:44:00.002-04:00

didn't mean to disappear again, I went camping on the beach with the Teacher. So of course there has been a ridiculous amount of drinking and eating this past week, but now I'm back home and back to my happy little routine of slowly starving my ass back into a desirable shape.

144

2011-04-24T01:07:00.000-04:00

fuck yes! 144

I am on the right track

147

2011-04-21T07:22:00.003-04:00

Finally, some progress on the scale.

If I stay focused and committed, I could be under 140 again by Mother's Day and at my lowest before the end of May.

Diuretics will be purchased today.

My current eating & workout:

am yoga
b. protein shake
s. cucumbers
l. salad (if anything)
s. broccoli
d. lean protein
pm run
& ab work whenever & however many times a day I can squeeze it in

I'm trying not to mix food groups when I eat, the idea that digestion works better when your body only has one type of food to breakdown is in my head right now...maybe crazy, but at least it's keeping me from overeating.

149

2011-04-20T18:02:00.002-04:00

A horrible example of how much I let my eating disorder screw up my life...

When I was 18 I moved out on my own and started a ridiculous habit of using one credit card to pay for all my binge eating, it was a partly a strange obsession with knowing how much money I was flushing down the toliet and partly becuase I didn't always have the money to spend on a binge. By the end of the first year I was carrying a balance of $10,000. I have been paying on that balance for basically a decade, while stupidly continuing to charge all my binges. The balance is now at $25,000. Who knows how many times I came close to paying that card off just to start racking up the debt again.

The group therapy is helping me realize that I have to deal with this debt (& the shame associated with it) before I can truly move on. I'm about to completely fuck my credit score to get out from under the debt, but hopefully this debt settlement program will help me in the long run (& be a better alternative to bankruptcy).

149

2011-04-19T07:13:00.002-04:00

grrr..still only down 1lb

It's obviously time to start running again. I've become so lazy in the last year that the idea of running just a few miles exhausts me, oh how I miss the days where I ran 5 miles almost everyday...

First step, purchased new running shoes yesterday.
Second step, get them on my feet & get my fat ass outside.
Third step, run & stop being fat.

Beach trip coming up with the Teacher, ewww bathing suits, but yay! for a fun getaway for just the two of us :)

148.5

2011-04-16T20:29:00.003-04:00

Spent some quality time with the Teacher last night, it was definitely needed after the terrible week I've had dealing with the ex. First we went to a wine bar then met up with some of his friends at a club downtown. I planned to be the dd to keep my drinking calories low, unfourtunately I may have not calculated the fact that I only ate a small lunch and so the 3 or 4 drinks I did have had a huge impact on me and I was pretty drunk by 11...whoops. it was still a great night and we arranged another ride home.

My ex has been suffering from a severe episode of depression for the last few weeks (he has bipolar disorder) and has threatened suicide several times. I'm working on gaining full custody of our son because I'm concerned how these episodes are affecting him. It is so incredibly stressful & unfourtunately expensive. My savings account is empty and I'm barely making ends meet as it is. Maybe if I'm poor I'll stop eating entirely and at least be thin...

149

2011-04-15T09:35:00.002-04:00

1lb down

I'll take it

oh & for me, b12 helps keep my energy up when I'm not eating a lot (especially if I'm not eating meat)

150

2011-04-13T19:04:00.003-04:00

I'm sick of being at this weight, time to do something about it. Picked up supplies today at the store, protein shakes mineral water smart water bottles green tea senna tea vitamins, multi & B-12 I'm determined to lose weight

hi

2011-03-27T18:28:00.004-04:00

I'm attending group counseling sessions a few times a month. They're ok. I don't like to talk, but it seems listening to others is helping me because I've only purged twice and had a handful of binges since starting. I am up to 150, which I still feel is a terrible weight for me, but I'm trying not to obsess about it. It's impossible for me not to notice the extra fat, but I'm doing my best to keep my head reasonable about it. Teacher and I are still in love, and I won't lie, it surprises me everyday that someone loves me for exactly who I am. I can't explain how shockingly different that kind of love feels. Sorry I've been absent, I'm still trying to adjust to everything that is going on and find balance with all this change. Hope everyone is doing well, I hate that I'm missing out on your lives while trying to figure out my own, but I do hope to be back to regular blogging soon.

142

2011-02-22T09:06:00.001-05:00

head over heels in love

142

2011-02-21T10:03:00.003-05:00

at least I'm not continuing to gain, I was up to 146 for a bit...

I am supposed to meet with a clinic in town that has an outpatient treatment program, but I keep putting it off. It scares me to enter treatment, I don't really want to sit through therapy because I don't really want to deal with this disease. I just want it to leave.

Ending on a happy note: Friday is my last day at this shitty job! & I think I'm in love with the teacher. I know he loves me, but I'm still trying to find a way to believe I deserve it. & here is a pic of me & my best friend, without him who knows how lost I'd be.

142

2011-02-09T09:45:00.003-05:00

Wahh, I'm fat.

I'm sick...again. fucking colds.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I played the violin growing up. 15 years of practicing & participating in countless orchestras. Sure, I'm still playing, but playing alone just isn't the same so I don't really count the last 5+ years.

So, Teacher just learned this little factoid about me and in the sweetest gesture he bought tickets to the symphony. We're going Saturday to see a performance of Tchaikovsky's Romeo & Juliet. I haven't seen an orchestra/symphony live in years (although I have seen several musicals & ballets and I always end up watching the 'pit' instead of the stage...)

Teacher is also hoping I'll play for him someday, but I really don't think I can do it. Ever since he mentioned wanting to hear me play I can't even make it through my simple warm ups without fumbling! Oh, why must I be so insecure?

139

2011-02-02T11:27:00.003-05:00

I like when the scale goes down, it makes me happy.

I made dinner last night for the teacher, it was healthy & delicious...(a little) whole wheat pasta, spinach, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes all tossed with a garlic/oil mix. Under 300 calories for my serving, he at the other 500 or so...not that I was counting or anything.

Last night teacher told me he'd put on some weight since we started seeing each other. Guess we're both happy & comfortable with each other, damn you new relationship weight gain! He said he was 'all the way up to' 163...fuck I feel too fat for him...

140

2011-02-01T11:06:00.002-05:00

Yay! still haven't purged!

I'm trying to get this eating thing under control - not restrictive control, just no b/p episodes - before I focus on making the scale go down.

I do realize that if I was really committed to getting healthy I wouldn't even enter the restrictive realm again...

140

2011-01-27T11:29:00.003-05:00

I haven't purged in 7 days. Mostly because my throat couldn't take anymore and I've made it a point to eat only insanely spicy foods this past week to discourage any purging.

I told a friend about my eating disorder. His reaction was the best I've ever received. He didn't judge or ask why, only asked what he could do to help me.

I have an appointment with a clinic in town in February, my friend will attend with me if I decide to actually go.

Teacher and I are still doing well, we took a dance lesson last night and learned how to swing - very fun! He is wonderful, but I think he is part of the reason I started purging again. I don't feel I'm good enough for him - I know it's all in my head, but inadequacy is a hard feeling to shake.

136

2011-01-18T11:31:00.003-05:00

+ I'm making time for working out

- I'm still purging

I purged four times yesterday, & I'm already planning my lunch in terms of purging...

If I've quit purging for six months or so at a time in the past, but I seem to keep picking it up again, do any of you think I should seek the assistance of a counselor or a therapist to help me or should I just refocus my shit like before? I know it's really all up to me to change, I just wonder if a professional would be better suited at helping to make a permanent change in my habits. I don't know.

..well fuck, I think this is the first time since I was 17 that I've entertained the idea of seeking treatment...

142

2011-01-13T12:09:00.003-05:00

Usually the absence of a blogger is one of two things, life is incredibly awesome and you find yourself too busy living it to blog or life is so out of control and your eating habits suck & you just can't seem to bring yourself to write it all out and admit to it.

My absence is both...

I'm happy - ecstatically, ridiculously overjoyed with life.

reasons I'm happy:
I LOVE being a single mom (yes, I'm only a single mom 60% of my time, but maybe that's partly why I get to love it so much?)
I'm quitting a job I hate.
I'm going back to school.
I'm seeing a man I really like. (who also treats me incredibly well)
I'm having great sex. lots of it...

I am also ridiculously out of control:

I'm not eating only vegan foods.
I can't seem to stop eating.
I'm purging one meal a day.
It's fucking cold outside and I'm being lazy. I can't seem to drag myself out from under a comforter long enough to do yoga, let alone make it to the gym.
& as a result, I'm pudgy... again.

I need to balance my life better, so here are my steps to getting my weight back under control:
1. stop purging, it's just a lame excuse to overeat and it only encourages more eating. stop it. stop it right now.
2. get my ass to the gym.
3. have more sex...because that makes everything better.

136

2011-01-03T10:13:00.003-05:00

I'd like to share my New Year's Resolution:

* Be Happy - & do whatever it takes to be happy

Currently it means that I will eating vegan again and continue seeing the teacher regularly, some might even call it dating...

That is all, whatever it takes.

136

2010-12-23T11:13:00.003-05:00

ahhh! 136 - fuck, I blame oj

I can feel a cold coming on and I think I've consumed 3 gallons of orange juice in the last two days. My formula for fighting off a cold fast is ridiculous amounts of oj, tons of water, at least 2 scalding hot showers/baths a day and yoga (mostly child's pose, reduces congestion, and corpse pose for relaxation). It almost always works for me & I'll only suffer from cold symptoms for 4 days. Which means Sunday I should be feeling back to normal....or I'm going to be pissed my free week of vacation (since the office is closed, but I still get paid, yay!) will be wasted feeling like shit.

I had the tattoo done before I moved out of the 'marital home', so late September I think? maybe October. I love it and am so happy I finally took a picture to show all of you.

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas! or a Happy Hanukkah! or a Happy Kwanzaa! or a Merry Solstice! or whatever it is you may celebrate this time of year!

tattoo

2010-12-21T23:01:00.002-05:00

finally...a photo

Merry Christmas!!

133

2010-12-15T10:17:00.002-05:00

This is me, drunk at a bar, with a wonderful friend, where I saw someone who looked so much like the lovely zette it took everything in me not to run up and talk to her like she was an old friend.

Little backstory on my friend in the pic, we lost touch for a few years and I never really understood why and as much as I missed her I'm not one to force friendships, so I left her alone. As soon as she heard I left my husband she called me. Turns out he was hitting on her every chance he had and she didn't want to say anything & feel like a homewrecker so she just stayed away. She said if we didn't have a son together she would have told me what a sleezeball he was the moment it happened, but she just couldn't bring herself to (what she felt would) be responsible for breaking up our family. I get it, I certainly wish I had known sooner that he was hitting on my friends (a few more came out to me about it recently as well), but who cares - it's in the past and I'm just happy to have my friend back!

133

2010-12-14T10:10:00.003-05:00

Yes, the previous post was a positive reaction to the # on the scale - I was just in shock & still am because it's the Holiday season and I'm not tipping the scale over 140. Crazy good.

tracy! That quote from the C word is my favorite thing ever!! & I definitely feel like I'm getting my weird back :)

Not much to say, kind of busy at work organizing things for the end of the year and my departure! but I just have to share a picture from my weekend with the teacher since I can't post it on facebook (you know, with all the inlaws & mutual friends the ex & I share, it's a little too soon...)

132

2010-12-10T10:12:00.001-05:00

Holy fucking shit

132

holy shit

...I have no words

134

2010-12-09T14:28:00.002-05:00

I weighed in fully dressed - boots, pea coat, everything...134

awesomeness

My ex and I are currently sharing custody of our son, kind of a 50/50 setup, which means I have him for 3(or4) days and then I'm 'off' for 3(or4) days a week. & let me just say not only is this is doing wonders for my waistline, since I only eat what my son eats when we're together and then I barely eat when he is away, but it also allows me some free time.

This past weekend I was able to go to the mountains with the teacher - it was beautiful, it snowed, we drank, had a snowball fight, laughed and (of course) rolled around in the sheets. I realize I'm on the rebound, but this guy is pretty amazing. I'm happy he came into my life because no matter how short or 'relationship' is, at least now I know how a man should treat me.

Ooooh & I return to school soon! I start taking courses in January - Calculus & Physics (because I have to meet some general education requirements) and then in the fall I'll start my masters in Chemistry. Holy shit, I can't believe I'm going back to school - now all I want to do is go buy a backpack & some pencils!

134

2010-12-03T09:14:00.002-05:00

did I mention how much I love coffee? yay for 134!

A little update on all the things going on in my life outside of the teacher & food...

I have a meeting with an academic advisor next Thursday to start planning my return to college! I originally earned a degree in Sociology, so it should only take 2 years to earn a second degree. Right now I'm still thinking about going back for Nursing, but I'm starting to lean towards getting a Masters in Chemistry instead (that's the reason for the advisor meeting, to see if I am eligible to apply to the program). I've always loved Chemistry so I'm going to try to set up a few interviews or shadowing days where I can see what a chemist does on a daily basis. Who knew at 27 I'd still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up?

Also, I'm starting to pick up some part time jobs to help save some extra $ and to have them lined up for when my day job goes out of business or when I start school; whichever comes first. Last night was my first bartending shift in 5 years, it was awkward, but fun. The change of setting was really nice.

I love that right now I have so many things to look forward to and be hopeful about, like school, new jobs, weekends away, great sex, the scale dipping below 130...

135

2010-12-02T10:04:00.005-05:00

Let's see...

Monday: restrict, yay!
Tuesday: b/p, boo
Wednesday: coffee, yay!
Thursday: more coffee, yay!
Friday: alcohol+food, boo
Saturday: skip full meals with the excuse of hangover/unruly stomach, yay!
Sunday: coffee, yay!

5 out of 7? not bad...well hopefully I will follow through with the weekend.

Scale is still at 135 - I'll take it and fuck if I'm letting it go back up to 140 again. I reevaluated the weekend and aside from the terrifying fact that I have to wear a bathing suit this weekend there are ways around the other negatives.

Although they came up with a menu and have the meals planned for everyone it just dawned on me that just because they are serving 17 items for dinner doesn't mean I have to eat all 17 (yes, I'm a little slow...what? the panic set in, I couldn't think clearly...) I'm hoping they just assume I'm a picky eater when all I put on my plate are veggies & fruit & I picked up a ton of coke zero & captain for the weekend, no beer for me because as much as I love it the (60 additional calories per drink)+ (bloating factor) = not worth it.

Also, teacher (I kind of feel like a creeper calling him that, but I always had a thing for my hot male teachers growing up, so it's also kind of fun...) promised we'd go hiking, & I looked up the trail to the pond/lake and it's 2+ miles away from the house. And since I do love a good trail run, I am going to pack my running shoes/clothes, but there is no guarantee on it actually happening because sometimes I'm huge ol' pansy when it's cold outside. I figure at least I'll get in a little hike for exercise but, I'm really hoping I'll want to appear all badass in front of everyone and that will be enough motivation to get out in the cold and run.

*can you tell I've had too much coffee??

136

2010-12-01T08:44:00.003-05:00

If only I could get away with wearing a full body suit - or my wet suit...

The part that really sucks about feeling like the fat girl, but not actually being the fat girl is that everyone comments and thinks it's strange if the thin girl wears a tshirt. No one ever comments on the whale in the tshirt - ever, but I guess that's how I know I'm not actually grotesque in a swim suit, I only feel that I am.

So, last night I stood in front of the mirror in my bathing suit for an hour and I tried to find myself less disgusting in it...

it didn't work.

Also, I just received an email of the menu for the weekend - holy fatty foods batman! - Wonder what teacher will think if I decide to go vegan again, especially if the vegan kick only lasts the weekend...

?

2010-11-30T12:30:00.003-05:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but meeting new girls always makes me nervous. I haven't met anyone that is going on the trip this weekend and I just found out it's 4 girls and one other couple. To deal with my anxiety about it I may have facebook stalked them all to determine if I would indeed be the fattest chick there and sadly it's undetermined - come on ladies, you need to stop putting multiple people in your profile pictures because I want to believe the fat girl is you, but I'm pretty sure you're the skinny brunette....

Do you know what happens when I start to panic about my weight?

binge

know what follows the binge?

purge

What triggered all of this you may wonder? a stupid hot tub at the mountain house. It's fucking winter kids, can't I keep a baggy sweater on?!?

My menial coping skills just aren't fighting through this panic, & I need to know what to do? I don't want to 'forget' my suit and look like a flake, but I also don't think I'll be able to make it through the week without more b/p episodes.

...fuck

138

2010-11-29T13:34:00.002-05:00

+ 3lbs - I blame booze

fucking beer - when will I learn that captain morgan's & whiskey are much better choices for my waist line?

Speaking of road blocks on my weight loss goals - Mr teacher man wants me to join him and some friends in the mountains this weekend. Guess what is involved? Lots of food & drinking. Fuck, I want to go, but I hate being fat.

Guess I'm starving all week in preparation for another weekend of over indulging.

b. 1/2 oatmeal + adderall
l. 1/2 'chx' sandwich
d. edamame

& I have a prescription for adderall, I'm sort of ADD - I just amp up the symptoms for the Dr.

?

2010-11-27T12:31:00.004-05:00

Hot Teacher and I went out 3 nights this week (& fell into bed) and even better last night was the best date I have ever had.

We met early in the afternoon to go to an art museum and spent a few hours wandering around together. He was the perfect guy for me to go with, we gave each other space to look and would randomly share/discuss when there was a particular piece we enjoyed. From there we went to a new sushi place in town and had a delicious dinner (seriously delicious, I'm tempted to stop by and pick up dinner tonight for myself). Then a friend of mine called and invited us to go see a local band , but the concert didn't start until 10 & since we had a few hours to kill we went back to his place and ... an amazingly fun time was had & then again after the concert...

Probably helps that all of the things we did were things I hated doing with E or things he refused to do. Hot Teacher is so fun & happy, it is a wonderful change of energy to have around me.

We also had 'the talk' about what we wanted from the relationship. I let him say what his intentions were first (that way he couldn't just agree with what I said I wanted) and lucky for me we agree we want to continue seeing each other, but neither of us is looking for a committed relationship - we just want to have fun with each other while the fun lasts. yay!

Hope (for the American readers) that you made it through Thanksgiving without huge tragedy, I think I did alright, but I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see the damage.

135

2010-11-24T08:52:00.002-05:00

So who would like to start making bets that this is where I completely fuck up my eating and I starting gaining back up to 140?

'cause that is definitely my pattern for... what? the last year & a half or so? maybe 2+ I just fluctuate between 135-145.

I'm excited to be down to 135 again, but pretty much terrified that this is where I always seem to lose momentum and/or to hit a road block.

Do you see the road block this time? It's Thanksgiving & then Christmas, fucking holiday food...

b. 1/2 buttered bagel + coffee
l. adderall + sparkling water
d. beer?

?

2010-11-23T13:37:00.003-05:00

Interesting articles on Google News today about how some women are oblivious to their actual weight. Some women can't see how overweight they actually are and some normal/underweight women perceive themselves as fat.

I try every single day to convince myself that I am not as fat as I think I am. My BMI is in the normal range and I am, by most people's standards, slim. This research simply tells me that my body image is no more fucked up than anyone else because it seems nearly half of us are incapable of accurately seeing what is in the mirror.

b. adderall
l. sparkling water
d. playdate+dinner :(

137

2010-11-22T13:36:00.002-05:00

I can do a handstand!

...almost - Ok, I know that is random since I haven't been talking about exercise at all lately, but I bought this yoga book over a month ago and I love it! the book is full of pictures & explanations of how to do poses and then has a section where they layout a series (each takes about 15 minutes) that will help you achieve specific results, like toning, anxiety relief, improved memory, clearer skin, better orgasms, etc. One of my favorites is the set for confidence, it ends with a handstand and I have been trying to do it away from the wall for about a week now and I am almost there! I was so excited yesterday I squealed as soon as I was able to raise my feet together, and then of course, I promptly fell over.

I still claim success.

yesterday:
b. 1/2 donut
l. coffee+ leftover pasta
d. 2 beers

today:
b. adderall + V8
l. 1/2 quesadilla
d. stir fry veggie + rice

?

2010-11-21T13:09:00.003-05:00

Last night hot teacher invited me over so he could cook dinner for me & honestly I'm still baffled by this part of the evening. I have never had a man actually cook for me - sure my husband dumped contents of jars, bags or boxes into pans, but this guy prepared an entire meal from scratch for me while I watched. He didn't want my help, he just poured me a drink and we listened to music and talked while he worked. It was weird, but kind of nice & an added bonus the meal he prepared was delicious & vegetarian. After we went out for drinks & dancings - he loves to dance & is a great dancer - I on the other hand am just a girl who knows how to shake her ass well, but I'm pretty sure he still had a good time since we stayed until 2am. Of course the night ended at his place, it was late, I was a little drunk so I stayed the night - we fooled around for a few hours, but that was all, no sex. This morning on my little 'walk of shame' out the door, he asked when he could see me again. I only have a bit of a hangup about seeing him again anytime soon because although he says he isn't looking for a girlfriend, I'm pretty sure he is. What do you think? See him again, or no?

*Obviously this little part of my evening is only funny because nothing bad happened: before I drove over to his house I sent a picture of him, his address & phone number to a friend of mine (just in case) & how amazing is my friend? he saved the info as 'Kelly's Potential SVU Case File'.

137

2010-11-20T07:43:00.002-05:00

yesterday's eats
b. coffee
l. 1/2 chx sandwich + coke zero
d. 1,000+

today's plan
b. leftovers
l. coffee
d. hopefully just drinks + dancing

The hot teacher date was wonderful. We met at 6 for drinks, he was funny and sweet, it really was a great date. We ended up talking until 10 and forgot to eat dinner. Great night + only 500 calories of beer = WIN! Despite him being hot, funny & easy to talk to I really didn't really feel chemistry or a connection with him, it was like more like hanging out with an old friend - comfortable & fun, but he must have felt something because he already called & asked me out again! :) I'm hoping plans work out tonight & I'll be able to go out to the club with him.

Thursday's date was followed by the worst date ever last night. The guy was an old friend/ex and he thinks he (still) loves me. I'm not even sure why I went, I don't need boys loving me. In college he was fun to be around, but now he is just depressing. He complained the whole way to dinner about not having any money and how slow his job was. He bitched throughout the meal how much his last girlfriend sucked, the meal was free (compliments of his brother the GM) but he only left the server a $10 tip (our check was easily over $50). He is too focused on the negative and I really don't need that around me again, so I'm done with that kid...plus his car was a piece of shit, seriously, I thought it was going to break down on the way to dinner.

oh, btw - best anonymous comment ever! You're right, he did win the lottery - I will absolutely let him do all of the driving.

138

2010-11-18T08:54:00.002-05:00

yesterday's eats:
b. fruit loops
l. 1/2 veg. burrito
d. 1 beer

today's plan:
b. 1/2 waffle+oj
l. sparkling water
d. drinks+?

Drinks (& maybe dinner) with the hot teacher tonight, kind of funny that I'm dressed like a nerdy librarian today...

Oooh & I went ahead and made plans to meet Tom (the 42 yrold) Monday for a 'sleepover' - makes me giggle that I'm making plans for an out of town date like this, but I feel it's what I need right now - great sex with no commitment. He lives 2+ hours away & although I offered to meet him halfway, he said he will drive the majority - what a gentleman, right? no, I kid, I kid, but at least if I only drive 30 minutes to see him I'm not obligated to actually stay the night if I don't want to.

137

2010-11-17T14:06:00.003-05:00

I remember how my heart ached everyday I was with E and how I thought it would hurt even more if I left - turns out I was wrong, all that heartache was just me wishing our relationship was anything other than what it was and now I feel relief - I feel free.

My friends all say they are happy to see the 'old' Kelly back again - specifically one friend said it was nice to hear a genuine laugh from me. I like my laugh, & my smile - I'm beyond happy to have myself back too.

I wanted to jot down a few highlights of my past week, to act as a reminder when maybe things aren't feeling so great...

*I'm saving money (because I'm not wasting it on junk food for a fat man)

*I'm losing weight (because I'm not eating my meals with a fat man)

*I find more time to laugh and play with my son (because I'm not wasting my energy trying to get E's attention)

*my son is saying please and thank you all the time (E didn't believe in using manners...)

*a cute boy I ran into at Starbucks asked me to meet him for coffee next week

*a hot teacher saw me with a mutual friend & he asked for my number - we're going out for drinks tomorrow

*I met an incredibly sexy 42 year old who reminded me how much fun sex is...not to mention, he seems a bit smitten with me & wants to see me again when he is back in town - I'm playing coy, but am absolutely up for the repeat

-

All I can figure is that some of those awesome things on my list must be true after all...

137

2010-11-16T10:58:00.003-05:00

I'm not really counting calories or sticking with my plan, but it's alright because the scale apparently approves of what I am doing lately, so I won't worry about it...

b. coffee or tea
l. apple or carrot sticks
d. veggies + rice or pasta

I eat exactly what my son eats when we're together, same portion size & everything. It's all about portion control, right? :)

139

2010-11-15T10:00:00.003-05:00

I'm still skipping around like the world is roses.

I ran twice this weekend

& did yoga everyday

Who knew a few orgasms could change a girl's outlook on life?

140

2010-11-11T08:11:00.002-05:00

I met a man, a tall, handsome salt & peppered hair kind of man

& then proceeded to roll around in the sheets with him

It's been several months since my last 'rendezvous', so I had an itch that needed to be scratched

& I'm not above being a little slutty

Not to mention he absolutely made it worth my time

& it was the perfect scenario for me, he was only in town for a conference and is already gone

I have a little extra bounce in my step now

& I'm not so scared of being single again

-

little PSA for my younger readers - always use protection, oh, & one night stands are bad, mkay?

141

2010-11-09T10:00:00.002-05:00

oooh 1lb down in 5 days - watch out world, I'm getting nowhere fast....

b. 25, chai tea w/ soy milk
s. 0, green tea
l. 110, latte
s. 70, sour patch kids
d. 100, edamame

?

2010-11-08T13:12:00.003-05:00

b. ?, 3 grapes
s. 0, coke zero
l. 160, .5 bean burrito
s. 70, banana
d. 200, vegan corndog + broccoli

I had the worst hangover ever after the birthday celebration Friday night. I haven't stayed in bed after 8 am since I was 18, I'm just kind of an early bird, but Saturday I didn't roll out of bed until 3pm and even then I wasn't sure I was actually alive.

Looks like the company I work for will be out of business by Spring 2011 and I'm pretty sure they are going to fire me before Christmas (because this place hates paying out unemployment benefits) I've decided it's ok for 2 reasons, 1- I wouldn't need to live off unemployment since I already know I have 2 part time jobs waiting for me (that they will cover my bills) and 2 - I fucking hate this job anyway and the idea of moving on makes me really happy.

I even looked into going back to school again & registration starts on the 15th!

Because, really, is there anything better than a complete overhaul on your life to really jump start a new beginning?

142

2010-11-05T09:51:00.003-04:00

b. 120, kix+coffee
s. 70, banana
l. 210, veggie wrap
s. 100, pumpkin seeds
s. 50, apple
d. 1,235,978, s'mores cheesecake + alcohol

I spent last night listing reasons I am awesome - I'm going to try and start believing them since I realize I am absolutely in a better place this year than I was last, so I'm looking forward to tonight with some wonderful friends, and of course a few too many bottles of wine.

Happy Birthday to me!

142

2010-11-04T09:41:00.002-04:00

Sure wish I hadn't found a scale to hop on yesterday...ick, 142 again...

I will try to remind myself how much worse it would be if I was living with E still.

I am happy to be on my own, I need to focus more on that and other positives rather than the failure of my marriage - because really how much bigger of a fail could my life have been if I had chosen to stay?!

eats today...

b.120, toast+tofu
s. 70, banana
l. 200, taco
s. 50, apple
s. 90, granola bar
d. 200,vegan corndog+broccoli

My birthday is Friday, and I have big plans to get dressed up and get drunk. I just have to convince myself that 142 isn't too fat to go outside...

?

2010-11-03T09:13:00.002-04:00

I'm numb.

I need to cry

but I don't want to

?

2010-10-29T11:13:00.002-04:00

Who loves making plans?

This girl.

Here's to dropping some weight *cheers

?

2010-10-28T13:10:00.003-04:00

All moved in! Well, at least all the furniture and boxes are there. I have a ridiculous amount of unpacking to do still, but at least my son seems happy with the new location.

I have some amazing friends that helped me move and we painted my room a charcoal gray yesterday and my son's room will be painted a really bright aqua blue. I have some furniture that needs painting too and as soon as it is all in place I'll post pictures (& I know I still need to post a picture of my tattoo).

Worst part about yesterday? I dropped my scale and right now it says I weigh 35lbs - if only it were true, right? ;) Unfortunately, I don't need a scale to tell me I've put on weight in the past few weeks and I'm trying to now worry about it because I figure I may be fat, but at least I'm on the road to happy too.

...plus I can always lose the extra lbs, just need to find the time to start running again.

?

2010-10-25T13:07:00.003-04:00

Two more days until all of my furniture is in the new apartment and I am officially moved in!!

Do you know how exciting it is to have the freedom to decorate however I want after years of living with an asshole who hated everything?

It's pretty fucking exciting.

Thank you all for your love and support over the past year while I attempted to figure out exactly what in my life was holding me back. For the longest time I couldn't accept it, but I'm finally breaking free from a terribly toxic relationship and I am beyond hopeful for this next step in my life.

?

2010-10-20T13:19:00.002-04:00

do you have $2,500.00?

'cause I sure don't

but I do feel like I'm in college again - 'Hey mom? Can I borrow some money?....'

moving day is the 27th

have to get the money to the lawyer by the 25th, so he can file papers by the 28th

yay! I'm so fucking close I can taste freedom :)

139

2010-10-19T12:10:00.002-04:00

I decided I wanted some greasy fast food today - I order a ridiculous high caloric lunch because who doesn't love to ingest at least a days worth of calories in just under an hour?

I pull forward to pay, but wait - oh no! - where has my debit card gone? I rummage through my purse, the glove compartment, the center console - nothing. Sorry lady, I have nothing to pay for the ridiculous amount of food you are holding or for the diet coke you just handed me.

I get back to work, bummed that I had nothing to binge on. And a little concerned I may have actually lost my card, but no worries as I get out of the car, there it is, mocking me - the card was hiding under my fat ass.

Seriously - do I need more of a sign to show me that I have no business eating?

at least she let me keep the diet coke...

137

2010-10-14T10:41:00.003-04:00

blah

I'm tired of hearing myself talk about the separation and custody, but since it is the only thing on my mind I've decided not to talk at all.

I'm just not a fan of my life right now.

*

10/12/10: 550
10/13/10: 1,125
10/14/10: 175

134

2010-10-12T08:43:00.002-04:00

I guess it really shouldn't have surprised me that gut wrenching nausea would be my physical reaction to overwhelming emotions - obviously the b/p cycle started somewhere.

Right now, I have no desire to start that cycle up again. I want to know I can deal with life as it comes at me without having to hide in the bathroom.

I feel strong enough.

More importantly, I'm aware of the love and support that will help me get through the days I don't feel very strong at all.

10/12/10: 550 calories

135

2010-10-11T09:58:00.003-04:00

Over the past few days I have had to fight the unexpected urge to vomit - as if someone punched me in the stomach and I feel the need to collapse, holding my stomach and dry heave.

I've never actually collapsed or thrown up - I just feel a compulsion to do it, like my body is out of my control and I'm fighting an impulse as routine as sneezing. It isn't specific to any one emotion, it just randomly hits me - whether I feel happy, sad, hopeful, scared, angry, tired, doesn't matter.

I'm sure it's just because I'm overwhelmed, but I don't like the feeling.

Nope, don't like it at all.

?

2010-10-08T10:01:00.003-04:00

I ate a cow.

Sort of.

What a way to end a fast.

& I'm still tired, hungry and cranky.

*

The meeting with the lawyer went well. The ideal situation would be my husband and I agree to custody terms and sign a separation agreement before I move out, the lawyer would only charge $700 to draft & file the agreement (this would ensure the agreement will hold up in court if either of us tries to violate or dispute it). If he refuses to sign anything then I'll have to file suit against him the day I move out and our custody arrangement will be settled through court hearings (taking 3-6 months) and my lawyer said this may cost upwards of $5,000.00. The good news is that I can move out - the bad news is that I may have to beg my parents for $5,000.00+.

& the next day we went to the oh-so-fun counseling session - She is 'so impressed' with all the effort my husband is making and she suggested I work on forgiveness. Not going to happen. At the end she gave us 'homework': make & follow a chore chart. The sarcastic asshole in me wanted to give the lady a high five and say, 'yes! our marriage is saved!', but instead I just sighed and said, 'it isn't about the chores'. She still thinks I simple need to work on forgiveness instead of focusing my energy on moving out. Pffft, what the fuck does she know?

E seems to think a few days of following through with chores and dad duties is going to keep me around because when I mentioned I was planning on moving out he ignored me.

Plan is to move out Nov 1, already paid my 1st month rent.

Can't say I didn't warn him.

138

2010-10-05T09:55:00.002-04:00

Still bloated - fuck this stress, I'm seriously over it - can't it be November already and can't I just start living my life and be done with all the planning and complicated shit?

I stayed up until 2am because I couldn't fall asleep next to the husband and the dog wouldn't let me have the couch to myself.

I'm tired, I have a headache, I'm hungry and in a shitty mood today.

I'm really anxious about meeting the lawyer - I don't know what I'll do if he tells me I have to settle legal matters before I can move out because you know that could take months. It would absolutely break me down, the only thing keeping me going right now is the light at the end of the tunnel - Nov 1.

My birthday is the following Friday and my birthday present will be settling into my own apartment.

It just has to be.

139

2010-10-04T13:31:00.003-04:00

I almost passed out in the shower,

Is it strange that I found it kind of exciting?

I decided to add protein powder to my morning drink and I picked up a coffee with soy milk in it for lunch so I'm feeling better now than I did when I woke up, which is a good thing, other than I am up 4lbs. Bodies work in odd ways sometimes, huh?

*

I'm meeting a lawyer Tuesday afternoon to make sure I'm leaving the 'right' way according to state law and Wednesday morning the husband and I will go to counseling together. I'm hoping the counselor helps me get through to him that I'm actually leaving and my reasons for leaving are legit, but how likely is it that he'll actually understand? slim, I know, but can you blame a girl for hoping?

135

2010-09-30T10:13:00.003-04:00

Jordan, you are not an asshat. My husband is an asshat.

Last night I took part in the most ridiculous conversation of my life (to date, because I can only imagine what 'fun' the future holds for me).

We were discussing my moving out and he basically concluded that I absolutely must return to counseling with him and then he will decide if our marriage is indeed over (or not). I'm not 'allowed' to move out because it would only show I am not in the proper mindset to raise a child and how dare I burden him the mortgage payment. Not to mention, even if he does decide he hates me, we would still have to find a way to continue living together to raise our son.

Seriously. Being raised by parents who hate each other? Yeah, that sounds like the ideal situation for a kid.

For fuck's sake - Why did it take me so long to realize what a douchebag this guy is? but don't worry, his rant hasn't changed any of my plans.

The 'escape route' is there and with a secret tattoo on my side for added confidence - I'm all set.

I'm still dropping off my paperwork and deposit at the apartment tonight. It's a cute little 1 bedroom w/ a den (I'll take the den, kid gets the room), a fireplace (yay!!, what? I like fire), and it's on the third floor with a huge balcony looking out into a wooded lot. Benefits include the cost is on the lower end of my budget, I have friends living in the same complex, 2 more friends about 5 miles away and a family friend, who is like a grandmother to my son, is only 10minutes away. Also found an affordable preschool right near my work with an opening coming up at the end of October. It's all pretty much falling into place.

Thank you all for your support, I wish I felt more amazing or worthy of admiration, but I am getting there.

& in my first ED related news in a while, I'm going to do a juice fast for October. I like to think I'm going to spend the month clearing out all toxins in my life - excess junk, terrible husband, bad food, & of course a little fat so that I can start November and my 27th year of life off right.

136

2010-09-29T08:48:00.003-04:00

I know talk is cheap and as much as I want a fairy tale ending, I know if there is a happily ever after for me, it is not going to be with him.

I told my son about moving, I said how much his dad and I love him and how we would always love him no matter what just sometimes moms & dads need to live in different houses. I think he took the news pretty well, he even seems a little excited about having a new room. He only cried when I told him the dog wouldn't live with us and he keeps reminding me how much he'll miss the dog. It's so sad and I think it says a lot about my husband if his son cries over the dog, but doesn't cry about moving away from his dad.

I'm still looking for a preschool, but we should be moving into the apartment before the end of October.

ps - my tattoo hurts a little bit... ;) I figured since the husband won't be seeing me naked ever again I might as well go ahead with it. The feather is simple, no color and I love it. I'll post pictures as soon as it heals a little more, all the redness makes it kind of gross for now.

135

2010-09-28T08:37:00.002-04:00

He swears he can change.

Why is part of me stupid enough to want to believe him?

135

2010-09-25T10:41:00.002-04:00

He told me I was crazy and I was the one ruining the relationship.

Today I realized it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm the bitch or if he's the psycho. Or if both is true.

All that matters is this relationship isn't working out for either of us and I'm finally taking a stand for me.

I'm off to do some apartment shopping today, I would feel more comfortable having my own place than bunking (and feeling like a burden) with my friends.

Any advice on how to talk to my son about us moving out without dad? My husband cannot talk to me without yelling, so I think this is a conversation I'm going to have to do on my own.

135

2010-09-24T11:25:00.003-04:00

looking at the brightside...

of my husband's hoarding habits, I will be able to fully furnish an apartment when I move out.

I did a little inventory check last night:

6 chairs
5 dressers
4 coffee tables
4 beds
3 tvs
3 computers
3 couches
3 sets of utensils
2 desks
2 kitchen tables
2 unpacked sets of glasses/plates
2 sets of pots/pans

keep in mind,

this is only a list of the items I'd consider from, there's plenty more crap in the house that I don't want

& we live in a 1,400sf, 3 bedroom house

Two of the beds are stacked in the 'office', boxspring, boxspring, mattress, mattress - it's like princess & the pea, it towers over in the room. He wouldn't let me sell the extra bed after we bought a new one for the master bedroom because - well - he's a hoarder, but I can certainly appreciate the positive that it is now because I get to take them with me!

yay!

This means the only big purchase I have to make when I move into a new place would be....

?

Anyone? Yeah, I'm thinking I'll be pretty well stocked as is.

135

2010-09-23T08:39:00.002-04:00

Not too bad, I'm down 4lbs for September.

It's amazing how not speaking with my husband also frees me from all of the fatty foods he likes to eat. No random pizza for dinner nights or requests for me to stop for fast food - it very well may be one of the best things about the dissolution of this marriage. I think if/when I date again I'll want to find some skinny vegan boy, who loves fasting. Oh yeah, I know, I dream big...

Too bad I'll probably be stuck at this weight for a bit since I'm without a 'babysitter' for the rest of the week, which means no running. That may be the worst part about me leaving - no one to watch the kid while I run, but there is an easy enough solution to that problem - I'll just have to 'splurge' on a gym membership with daycare options ;)

The other kind of sad part? I think he'll want to keep the dog. It was supposed to be his dog anyway, but I'm secretly hoping he'll 'burden' me with the responsibility of caring for our doberman.

136

2010-09-22T16:22:00.002-04:00

I told him.

Sort of.

I said I was going to be staying with a friend for a few days. Thursday - Sunday, & then he is out of town Monday - Tuesday so I'll stay at the house for the dog.

Could a few days turn into weeks, months....years? Probably.

I confirmed his 'worry' that I was already done with the relationship, in his words - I've checked out. I attempted to explain that I've spent the last 7 years giving him everything I had to offer and making excuses for his inability to reciprocate the love (& effort), the ending result being that I'm exhausted, I'm half the person I once was. I told him I have nothing left to give.

*

On a cheerier note, I have a standing appointment with the tattoo artist on the 28th, but since the peacock feather is tainted by my husband's words I want to hold off on it. I'm worried if I get it now I will always associate it with what he said, hopefully someday I'll get over it, but for now I'm thinking of getting something happy & positive, like 'chin up' (from Charlotte's Web) or some other positive affirmations, any suggestions?

136

2010-09-21T09:43:00.003-04:00

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~Anaïs Nin

*

My husband is going out of town for work next Monday & Tuesday, here is to hoping I find the courage to move out while he is away.

Fuck I'm terrified already, I'm practically shaking. I can't even pinpoint what it is that I'm scared of.

Sure wish I felt a little less crazy.

140

2010-09-20T10:06:00.002-04:00

I'm completely blown away by all of your comments. Thank you! Thank you! for making me feel a little less crazy and showing me he really is stealing my happiness one cruel word at a time.

I know I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm aware the more weight I lose and the more confident I become the worse the abuse gets. He was his kindest when I was fat and no one else wanted me, it may be why we went ahead and walked down the aisle because at the time I didn't realize his kindness was linked to my fat.

I can practically remember pulling on the suit of armor and wanting to play the rescuing hero when I first started dating him. He cried to me about how he had been hurt in the past and all the women before were so cruel to him and I promised never to hurt him the way they did and never to leave him. I promised all those things people do when they blindly enter a relationship.

The problem is: I keep my promises, for better or worse, but I'm starting to believe there is a first time for everything.

Time for me to start breaking some promises.

220

2010-09-16T10:16:00.007-04:00

I feel like I'm 220lbs - Yesterday was a HUGE fucking fail of a day

I ate meat - I binged at home -I cried

a lot

you'd cry too if you received the following email from your husband:

Don't get the tattoo. You will probably grow to hate it because I will most likely tell you how much I hate it every time I see it. Your body can not handle a large tattoo. Tattoos should not be placed any where that is pudgy or does not have the appearance of being firm. You are a mother now with a mother's body and a tattoo like you want will not look good on a mother's body.

I hope it does make you think twice, & even if you lost weight you would look relatively the same where you want to get the tattoo.

This confirms that my fat husband sucks at life, the fucking hypocrite. He is saying I'm pudgy and I don't need anything accenting my fat, yet he is waddling around at an actual 220lbs in clothes that are too small for him.

The worst line? even if you lost weight you'd still look the same - I read that to mean, I won't find you sexy no matter how much weight you lose because you have a mother's body and always will. I know he thinks tattoos are sexy, I've seen his porn collection so his issue is not the tattoo, his issue is with my body.

Awesome.

Doesn't matter either way, the tattoo artist canceled tonight and I'll probably feel too fat and motherly to go through with it in two weeks anyway.

bonus? this weekend I get to play happy married couple at his sister's wedding, yay...

right now, I hate my fucking life.

135

2010-09-15T08:55:00.002-04:00

Fruity Pebbles
Pomegranate yogurt

...not exactly on track with my fruit only day

but at least they both are pretending to contain fruits, right?

136

2010-09-14T08:57:00.003-04:00

I'm sick of being average.

Except, I'm not because the average American woman is now a size 14. And really, how nerdy is it of me to be curious what the mode is? It's just, I want to believe the morbidly obese are skewing the number, but I guess a quick glimpse around any public arena will tell you size 14 may not be far from accurate.

So, I guess in the grand scheme of ever expanding American waistlines, I'm actually quite small at a size 6, but all I want is to be a size 4 before I turn 27. I think if I was a size 4 I'd feel less average, but I won't know until I get there. Liquids only today, tomorrow will be only fruit and Thursday add in veggies and maybe cycle that until I hit a new low.

I'd love to get your opinions, do you think I should do the peacock feather in color? or only black? I'm on the fence about it.

136

2010-09-13T09:42:00.003-04:00

I took some much needed time for myself and made the whole weekend a 'fat and happy' kind of weekend - lots of friends, drinking & food - Not so in love with the fat part, but I can tolerate some bad with the good. And I have all week to make up for my indiscretions.

I finally stopped by the tattoo shop!! but unfortunately the artist I like was not in town so I have to wait until Thursday. I hung out for a bit and chatted with a few of the other guys in the shop about my husband's disapproval and they offered to sketch out some different options. I wasn't surprised by their encouragement to go ahead with the tattoo the way I liked it best despite his thoughts, but I was impressed with how understanding and sympathetic they were to my husband's feelings - it was sweet and I really can't wait to see what they come up with.

It doesn't really matter to me that I won't be 130 or that I'm not sure what design I'm going with, I'm just excited to get a tattoo Thursday!!

134

2010-09-10T21:31:00.003-04:00

Wonderful things today:

I'm 134!!

You all are fabulous, thanks for listening to my problems and giving your input, it's appreciated more than you may ever know. My husband does take meds, but I don't think he shares enough about how he is fuctioning on his meds or his drug manager doesn't give a fuck - maybe somewhere in the middle? He refuses to find a new doctor because...well, who knows why, I just don't think this doctor has helped him make much progress over the last year and it might be time to try someone new. We all know all doctors are not created equal, there are stupid doctors out there just like there are genius mechanics running around, but I don't need to convince you.

& Zen passed an award onto me :)

things I hate
1: cocky people - you know the ones who think they are better than everyone else for absolutely no good reason
2: money - it pollutes the world because no one ever seem to have enough
3: fat - do I really need to explain why?
4: other people's kids - I find 98% of children I meet to be disrespectful, obnoxious aholes

things I love
1: large breed dogs - anything over 50lbs. I'm just not a fan of little dogs, I always think I'm going to step on them
2: rain - it washes everything clean, smells wonderful and it's fun to splash around in puddles
3: my family - we're a little fucked up since we all have issues with food and body image in one way or another, but I think we are still a pretty amazing little unit
4: flowers - not roses and not cut boquets. I love smelling them in gardens and nothing is prettier than a field of wildflowers.

& I wish I could share all the blogs I love, but here are a few I think you should swing by :)

Don't Eat Lemons
Arexisaurus
Zette
Mich
jd

135

2010-09-10T09:19:00.002-04:00

250 liquid calories? How the fuck did I do that?

I noticed something nice in the mirror today...I know, something nice in the mirror? what a rarity!...I have ribs showing on my back & my sides, lovely little ribs poking through and my collarbone is more pronounced than before

I'm going for another day of liquids, but I'm already settled on the idea of how high the calorie count will be today since I have my heart set on a latte for lunch since this week has been exhausting.

I want to acknowledge that onetenam is right, I do have some wonderful, lovely bloggers who listen to my whining and love me anyway - thank you, it has been a huge relief to have somewhere to vent (and get some feedback)

& now, back to my venting

. . .

Last night my husband and I spent time talking/yelling at each other and sifting through all the little bullshit and we finally came to an agreement/understanding of our individual fails.

- I have no consideration for his mood disorder.

- He lacks the ability to compromise.

I think the conclusion we came to is good, but only because we figured out (and agree on) the 'root' of our problems. The bad part? Those are some huge issues to overcome.

I'm embarrassed to say my patience and understanding for his mental health is lacking (or sadly may be nonexistent) - how can I have my own issues with depression (& an ED) and not understand that some things you can't just 'get over'? I'm aware my following statement is wrong, logically I know this, but I can't let go of the idea that: my mental state is always within my control, so in turn his mental state should be within his. I know I'm ridiculous. To help me better understand his situation, I'm shopping around for books to help guide me as the spouse of someone with bipolar disorder and anxiety, any chance any of you have some suggestions?

& for his issue - how does someone who believes the world runs in black & white learn to find the gray areas? He is so stubborn and hard headed that if he states the sky is green, it doesn't matter what you say because that sky will always be green in his mind and you are an idiot to believe otherwise...no seriously, we had this conversation once...

Am I so far off in thinking the issues we each bring to the relationship would probably be considered deal breakers?

& apparently, if I go ahead and get the tattoo then I am being openly defiant and spiteful towards him and he'll never want to see me naked again. First thing I think to myself is, 'fuck, I'll show you spiteful' and I start dreaming up a huge side tattoo and how I could lose 5lbs by Monday...

Jesus Christ, I know this marriage is fucked up.

135

2010-09-09T09:23:00.005-04:00

liquids only day

it just seems appropriate to make up for yesterday

too bad the coffee I made this morning tastes like dirt since I only put enough water in for one cup, but enough grounds to make a whole pot...

whatever, I'm still drinking this shit

*oh, & I say my husband doesn't deserve my love because he practically spits all over it. Love may be a gift meant to be given freely, but that doesn't mean others should insult it. I just wish he valued my love and if he doesn't value my love, then why does he keep me?

137

2010-09-08T19:59:00.002-04:00

Things I did today:

- purged.

I hated it...but I kind of liked it too

- told my husband I loved him

he doesn't deserve my love

Why can't I seem to quit things I know are bad for me?

137

2010-09-07T13:12:00.003-04:00

I didn't realize it was possible to drink yourself stupid, but I think I managed to do just that over the 3 day weekend.

Unfortunately, I'm still fighting with my husband, which of course leads me to entertain the idea of leaving him (again). Yesterday I perused apartments to see if there was anything I could afford and instead of stopping by to get the tattoo placed I decided to get sloppy drunk with some friends.

Personally I think it was an excellent decision.

137

2010-09-06T09:55:00.003-04:00

21 day Vegan Kickstart

If you've been flirting with the idea of going vegan, now would be a great time to give it a shot.

Also, I'm going today to have the tattoo placed! :) Hopefully I'll be able to snap a decent photo & get all of your opinions too.

136

2010-09-04T08:58:00.004-04:00

Thank you all so much for your advice on the tattoo issue.

I'll post a response to a few of your comments later, but I don't have much time today. I just wanted to post that I'm 136, which means 3lbs down in 3 days :) & that I've made my decision about the tattoo.

I'm going to ask the tattoo artist to place the outline for the feather on my side (either tonight or tomorrow depending on time) that way my husband can see it before it's permanent and no matter how he feels about it after actually seeing it, I'm still going through with it when I hit 130.

Thanks again everyone!

138

2010-09-03T09:59:00.004-04:00

Forgive me, but I hate being married.

I wish all of the possessions in the home were mine again and I could paint them, cut them, burn them, or throw them out as I see fit. I'm sick of trying to convince someone else of my plans.

& it's beyond the furniture, apparently my body is 'off limits' for alterations as well.

I canceled the tattoo appointment in August because I wasn't 130 and last night when I mentioned to my husband that I was going to make the appointment for the end of September, he flat out told me no. He said he thinks the tattoo is a stupid idea and that he doesn't want to look at it for the rest of his life. His suggestion? that I draw the feather on a mirror or keep a picture of it in my wallet if I like it so much. I think he completely missed the point of tattoos. I tried offering a few alternative ideas for my tattoo, like he should help me design a different feather he might like better, or he could suggest a different location that he thought was more fitting, or he could help design an entirely new tattoo that held the same meaning. But non of those worked because he can be a hard headed prick sometimes.

Honestly, I'd get the tattoo today if I had the cash available (& if my sister would send me her feather sketch since I hate all of mine) because I'm a defiant bitch like that. But since I neither have a personal sketch nor the money, I'll have to wait.

Horribly enough, there is a little voice in the back of my head saying I should 'honor & obey' my husband - fucking old school mentality still creeps into my feminist brain - so I wanted to get your opinions, whether you're married or not, do any of you have a better argument in his favor?

Keep in mind, I have tried to put myself in his shoes, how would it make me feel if he wanted a tattoo that I objected? I think tattoos are so personal and as long as it wasn't blatantly inappropriate, like another woman's name, then I'm ok with it because after all it is his body and his vision of art not mine.

139

2010-09-02T10:39:00.002-04:00

I think I've mentioned before that neither my husband nor I are neat people. We aren't exactly messy, but we don't really keep a clean house either. Please don't think we live in filth, it's not like we could have a spot on the show Hoarders, but we would probably fit in over at Clean House.

It's incredibly frustrating because even when I clean - I mean hardcore scrub baseboards, vacuum windows, rearrange furniture, even touch up paint the walls - it's still not clean enough because we have so much crap in such a tiny space. I went a little crazy with cleaning last night, but I almost went fucking nuts this morning when I wake up and look around only to find that the house still looks unkempt.

I wish we could be featured on Clean House, maybe Niecy Nash would be able to convince my husband to throw out at least 1 of the 4 coffee tables in our living room, and the worst part? he doesn't even like coffee....

139

2010-09-01T08:47:00.003-04:00

139 - not bad after a week of free food & family, did I mention

Colorado is gorgeous and wonderful (especially when being compared to North Carolina) and after this trip I've come to the conclusion that I have 2 options. I'm going to need my husband to a. change his mind about cold winters or b. die and then I can move there.

Obviously, if I could pick I 'd choose option a and don't think I'm the awful person in this scenario, my husband has some serious health problems for being only 26 and he's the one who keeps saying things like 'when I die you can do that'.

& my 10% paycut is temporary, but that's only because my job here is basically temporary. The company is barely bringing in enough to cover payroll each week, but luckily it's Wednesday and we just received enough cash for Friday's checks. Yay for being certain I'm getting paid!

Also, I wanted to share my monthly food budget with you all (keep in mind the groceries are mostly coke zero and food for a small child and a fat man)

groceries: $300
alcohol: $60
lunch: $10

There are a few things I find amazing about my budget, let me point them out for you...

-I am proposing to only consume $60 of booze a month, which means I'll be entering some horrible state of sobriety or I'll need to seriously downgrade to popov vodka or something equally cheap and disgusting

-I am able to plan meals (only breakfast & dinner) for a family of three at the cost of around $4 a meal

-oddly enough (or not really that odd at all) my lunch & my prescription money are one in the same because adderall is fabulous savings my wallet & my waistline

I have a feeling being poor is going to look good on me ;)