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Who loves making plans?

This girl.

Here's to dropping some weight *cheers

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All moved in! Well, at least all the furniture and boxes are there. I have a ridiculous amount of unpacking to do still, but at least my son seems happy with the new location.

I have some amazing friends that helped me move and we painted my room a charcoal gray yesterday and my son's room will be painted a really bright aqua blue. I have some furniture that needs painting too and as soon as it is all in place I'll post pictures (& I know I still need to post a picture of my tattoo).

Worst part about yesterday? I dropped my scale and right now it says I weigh 35lbs - if only it were true, right? ;) Unfortunately, I don't need a scale to tell me I've put on weight in the past few weeks and I'm trying to now worry about it because I figure I may be fat, but at least I'm on the road to happy too.

...plus I can always lose the extra lbs, just need to find the time to start running again.

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Two more days until all of my furniture is in the new apartment and I am officially moved in!!

Do you know how exciting it is to have the freedom to decorate however I want after years of living with an asshole who hated everything?

It's pretty fucking exciting.

Thank you all for your love and support over the past year while I attempted to figure out exactly what in my life was holding me back. For the longest time I couldn't accept it, but I'm finally breaking free from a terribly toxic relationship and I am beyond hopeful for this next step in my life.

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do you have $2,500.00?

'cause I sure don't

but I do feel like I'm in college again - 'Hey mom? Can I borrow some money?....'

moving day is the 27th

have to get the money to the lawyer by the 25th, so he can file papers by the 28th

yay! I'm so fucking close I can taste freedom :)

139

I decided I wanted some greasy fast food today - I order a ridiculous high caloric lunch because who doesn't love to ingest at least a days worth of calories in just under an hour?

I pull forward to pay, but wait - oh no! - where has my debit card gone? I rummage through my purse, the glove compartment, the center console - nothing. Sorry lady, I have nothing to pay for the ridiculous amount of food you are holding or for the diet coke you just handed me.

I get back to work, bummed that I had nothing to binge on. And a little concerned I may have actually lost my card, but no worries as I get out of the car, there it is, mocking me - the card was hiding under my fat ass.

Seriously - do I need more of a sign to show me that I have no business eating?

at least she let me keep the diet coke...

137

blah

I'm tired of hearing myself talk about the separation and custody, but since it is the only thing on my mind I've decided not to talk at all.

I'm just not a fan of my life right now.

*

10/12/10: 550
10/13/10: 1,125
10/14/10: 175

134

I guess it really shouldn't have surprised me that gut wrenching nausea would be my physical reaction to overwhelming emotions - obviously the b/p cycle started somewhere.

Right now, I have no desire to start that cycle up again. I want to know I can deal with life as it comes at me without having to hide in the bathroom.

I feel strong enough.

More importantly, I'm aware of the love and support that will help me get through the days I don't feel very strong at all.


10/12/10: 550 calories

135

Over the past few days I have had to fight the unexpected urge to vomit - as if someone punched me in the stomach and I feel the need to collapse, holding my stomach and dry heave.

I've never actually collapsed or thrown up - I just feel a compulsion to do it, like my body is out of my control and I'm fighting an impulse as routine as sneezing. It isn't specific to any one emotion, it just randomly hits me - whether I feel happy, sad, hopeful, scared, angry, tired, doesn't matter.

I'm sure it's just because I'm overwhelmed, but I don't like the feeling.

Nope, don't like it at all.

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I ate a cow.

Sort of.

What a way to end a fast.

& I'm still tired, hungry and cranky.

*

The meeting with the lawyer went well. The ideal situation would be my husband and I agree to custody terms and sign a separation agreement before I move out, the lawyer would only charge $700 to draft & file the agreement (this would ensure the agreement will hold up in court if either of us tries to violate or dispute it). If he refuses to sign anything then I'll have to file suit against him the day I move out and our custody arrangement will be settled through court hearings (taking 3-6 months) and my lawyer said this may cost upwards of $5,000.00. The good news is that I can move out - the bad news is that I may have to beg my parents for $5,000.00+.

& the next day we went to the oh-so-fun counseling session - She is 'so impressed' with all the effort my husband is making and she suggested I work on forgiveness. Not going to happen. At the end she gave us 'homework': make & follow a chore chart. The sarcastic asshole in me wanted to give the lady a high five and say, 'yes! our marriage is saved!', but instead I just sighed and said, 'it isn't about the chores'. She still thinks I simple need to work on forgiveness instead of focusing my energy on moving out. Pffft, what the fuck does she know?

E seems to think a few days of following through with chores and dad duties is going to keep me around because when I mentioned I was planning on moving out he ignored me.

Plan is to move out Nov 1, already paid my 1st month rent.

Can't say I didn't warn him.

138

Still bloated - fuck this stress, I'm seriously over it - can't it be November already and can't I just start living my life and be done with all the planning and complicated shit?

I stayed up until 2am because I couldn't fall asleep next to the husband and the dog wouldn't let me have the couch to myself.

I'm tired, I have a headache, I'm hungry and in a shitty mood today.

I'm really anxious about meeting the lawyer - I don't know what I'll do if he tells me I have to settle legal matters before I can move out because you know that could take months. It would absolutely break me down, the only thing keeping me going right now is the light at the end of the tunnel - Nov 1.

My birthday is the following Friday and my birthday present will be settling into my own apartment.

It just has to be.

139

I almost passed out in the shower,

Is it strange that I found it kind of exciting?

I decided to add protein powder to my morning drink and I picked up a coffee with soy milk in it for lunch so I'm feeling better now than I did when I woke up, which is a good thing, other than I am up 4lbs. Bodies work in odd ways sometimes, huh?

*

I'm meeting a lawyer Tuesday afternoon to make sure I'm leaving the 'right' way according to state law and Wednesday morning the husband and I will go to counseling together. I'm hoping the counselor helps me get through to him that I'm actually leaving and my reasons for leaving are legit, but how likely is it that he'll actually understand? slim, I know, but can you blame a girl for hoping?