Know what recovery looks like?
Fat
& better than Fat: HAPPY!
I won't pretend; everyday is not perfect, but I purge only few times a month, if at all.
And I will call that success.
I'm happy. My life is bigger than the scale and I am thankful for my mindset finally catching up.
I would LOVE to be back under 130, but I'm not willingly to sacrifice my sanity for it ever again.
05 September 2015
02 May 2013
23 April 2013
158.5
I can not express how much I am loving this song:
chocolates & cigarettes *
I fucking hate being this size. I am done with it, I bought a 10lb weight vest and have started running in it. My knees hurt, but it feels worth the pain.
Most days I drink only protein shakes and when I cave and eat real food I always purge. I'm hoping someday the scale will reflect the minimal intake.
My teeth hurt again. They are really sensitive to cold & hot drinks and I fear they will be completely useless one day, but I can't stop.
I can't stop until I'm thin again.
*I do not smoke, but am absolutely addicted to chocolate...
chocolates & cigarettes *
I fucking hate being this size. I am done with it, I bought a 10lb weight vest and have started running in it. My knees hurt, but it feels worth the pain.
Most days I drink only protein shakes and when I cave and eat real food I always purge. I'm hoping someday the scale will reflect the minimal intake.
My teeth hurt again. They are really sensitive to cold & hot drinks and I fear they will be completely useless one day, but I can't stop.
I can't stop until I'm thin again.
*I do not smoke, but am absolutely addicted to chocolate...
05 April 2013
huge
I'm huge.
In reality, I'm average.
I am not okay with being average.
-
I'm not coping well...not with the divorce, not with being a single mom, not with being a student, not with being poor [again], or finding my 'new' way.
My life feels awful.
Teacher moved away & I started dating another man, we'll call him Ogre. My Ogre was amazing - for 6 months he was amazing - he kept up his perfect front, but then...oh, but then, did crazy came out. My heart was broken and I felt lost again.
-
Binging & purging is at an all time high for me; which explains the huge because no bulimic actually gets to be thin, we only pretend for a minute that we aren't as fat as we really are. [if only I could find a way back to EDNOS, bulimia with bouts of anorexia, maybe then I could find real results in weight loss]
In reality, I'm average.
I am not okay with being average.
-
I'm not coping well...not with the divorce, not with being a single mom, not with being a student, not with being poor [again], or finding my 'new' way.
My life feels awful.
Teacher moved away & I started dating another man, we'll call him Ogre. My Ogre was amazing - for 6 months he was amazing - he kept up his perfect front, but then...oh, but then, did crazy came out. My heart was broken and I felt lost again.
-
Binging & purging is at an all time high for me; which explains the huge because no bulimic actually gets to be thin, we only pretend for a minute that we aren't as fat as we really are. [if only I could find a way back to EDNOS, bulimia with bouts of anorexia, maybe then I could find real results in weight loss]
20 January 2012
14 January 2012
146
b. egg whites & wheat tst
s. almonds
l. salmon & small salad
s. apple & cheese
d. chx stirfry
followed yesterday's plan almost perfectly! I wish I could wake up tomorrow at 123, but I can't! I need to find some patience so that I don't lose motivation too soon.
"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them--every day begin the tasks anew."
s. almonds
l. salmon & small salad
s. apple & cheese
d. chx stirfry
followed yesterday's plan almost perfectly! I wish I could wake up tomorrow at 123, but I can't! I need to find some patience so that I don't lose motivation too soon.
"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them--every day begin the tasks anew."
13 January 2012
146
b. light protein shake w/ banana
s. almonds
l. lettuce wrap
s. celery, carrots & pb
d. grilled chx & bkd potato
must be healthy & lose weight.
trying to remind myself that being healthy is more important than being thin.
be healthy. be happy.
must adopt that mantra.
s. almonds
l. lettuce wrap
s. celery, carrots & pb
d. grilled chx & bkd potato
must be healthy & lose weight.
trying to remind myself that being healthy is more important than being thin.
be healthy. be happy.
must adopt that mantra.
09 January 2012
146
and that is my weigh in after breakfast & with wet hair :)
So thrilled to be on my way back down.
My roommate and I started a little competition with weekly weigh ins. Whoever loses the least (or gains) that week has to put $8 in a jar. At the end of our challenge whoever lost the most overall wins the entire pot! I put $4 in to start it off and by April 1 it will be $100. Bragging rights and a little extra cash is a good motivator for both of us...or at least we're hoping it continues to be.
So thrilled to be on my way back down.
My roommate and I started a little competition with weekly weigh ins. Whoever loses the least (or gains) that week has to put $8 in a jar. At the end of our challenge whoever lost the most overall wins the entire pot! I put $4 in to start it off and by April 1 it will be $100. Bragging rights and a little extra cash is a good motivator for both of us...or at least we're hoping it continues to be.
08 January 2012
147
Currently reading Fat Land: How Americans Became the Fattest People in the World.
One part made me laugh out loud, not because it was particularly funny, but on a personal level I thought it was worthy of a chuckle.
When I was younger graham crackers were one of my first trigger foods. I could easily eat an entire box in one sitting. I still don't keep them in the house and I'm fairly certain it's been five years since my last graham cracker. Anyway, Sylvester Graham, a presbyterian minister invented the graham cracker. He also publicly attacked overeating as a form of overstimulation, which would lead to other sinful behaviors. Oh my!
but can't argue with that. I'm a glutton. I also exhibit other sins on a daily basis, such as lust, greed, sloth & envy.
But who cares, I prefer my box of graham crackers empty & my bed full ;)
One part made me laugh out loud, not because it was particularly funny, but on a personal level I thought it was worthy of a chuckle.
When I was younger graham crackers were one of my first trigger foods. I could easily eat an entire box in one sitting. I still don't keep them in the house and I'm fairly certain it's been five years since my last graham cracker. Anyway, Sylvester Graham, a presbyterian minister invented the graham cracker. He also publicly attacked overeating as a form of overstimulation, which would lead to other sinful behaviors. Oh my!
but can't argue with that. I'm a glutton. I also exhibit other sins on a daily basis, such as lust, greed, sloth & envy.
But who cares, I prefer my box of graham crackers empty & my bed full ;)
05 January 2012
147
Oooh & to add to the fun, my ex just started dragging me through court, he is trying to get full custody of our son. For those of you who have followed me for a while know he suffers from bipolar disorder, which is still being poorly treated. He has several DUIs on record, severe anxiety problems with several attacks that left him hospitalized and the house he lives in is filled with holes he's punched in the walls & doors. I don't think he'll be awarded custody, but it's so frustrating having to deal with it and I still kill myself with worry over the 'what ifs'
I spent all of last night curled up in a ball crying and drinking whiskey. I feel like my life may always be filled with so much baggage that no man will want to take it all on. The idea of spending my life alone honestly terrifies me, but I'm trying to remain positive and am so proud of myself for not letting all of this set off a binge-purge episode. I have been doing so well keeping the bulimia at bay and I refuse to allow it to creep back in.
This morning I sucked it up and reminded myself that my life can be better, but only if I'm better.
I pulled myself out of bed & met a friend for coffee
I loaded up my fridge with fruits, veggies & kombucha
I went for a run & did a little yoga
Hoping I can hold on to the healthy outlook throughout all of this drama, but I find myself already wishing I had teacher's shoulder to cry on & that only makes me want to cry harder...
I spent all of last night curled up in a ball crying and drinking whiskey. I feel like my life may always be filled with so much baggage that no man will want to take it all on. The idea of spending my life alone honestly terrifies me, but I'm trying to remain positive and am so proud of myself for not letting all of this set off a binge-purge episode. I have been doing so well keeping the bulimia at bay and I refuse to allow it to creep back in.
This morning I sucked it up and reminded myself that my life can be better, but only if I'm better.
I pulled myself out of bed & met a friend for coffee
I loaded up my fridge with fruits, veggies & kombucha
I went for a run & did a little yoga
Hoping I can hold on to the healthy outlook throughout all of this drama, but I find myself already wishing I had teacher's shoulder to cry on & that only makes me want to cry harder...
03 January 2012
148
up 3lbs since July. Could be worse...I guess.
I broke up with teacher, but I still love him. I miss him terribly, but things weren't right. We dated for over a year and it took me that long to realize he is not the kind of man I want to help me raise my son. & I'll get over it someday, but right now the loneliness is eating away at me.
I broke up with teacher, but I still love him. I miss him terribly, but things weren't right. We dated for over a year and it took me that long to realize he is not the kind of man I want to help me raise my son. & I'll get over it someday, but right now the loneliness is eating away at me.
28 July 2011
145
Ugh, moving. Such an exhausting chore, but two upsides: 1. It's a great workout carrying loads of furniture up & down stairs and 2. I'm moving in with 2 friends which will save me hundreds of dollars a month on rent (yes, my son is still with me, he is moving in too.)
School starts in a few weeks, for both my son and I. I think we are equally nervous, he is starting Kindergarten and I'm returning to College for my Masters in Chemistry. Pretty big stuff happening in August for this littly family.
& I'm happy to hear all of the supportive comments from you about the monogamish relationship I'm in. (thanks Savage Love for that word & thanks for telling me about the blog drink me.) It is good to hear that I'm not completely crazy to want this set up. I'm happy and will certaily ask for change (or leave) the relationship if I'm ever unhappy with it. A huge change I've made in my life is learning to ask for exactly what I want or need from a relationship, it helps that teacher is respectful and always makes an effort to follow through with my requests, even if they are as little as holding my hand or making more time for me. I'm hoping I never settle for a man who does less.
School starts in a few weeks, for both my son and I. I think we are equally nervous, he is starting Kindergarten and I'm returning to College for my Masters in Chemistry. Pretty big stuff happening in August for this littly family.
& I'm happy to hear all of the supportive comments from you about the monogamish relationship I'm in. (thanks Savage Love for that word & thanks for telling me about the blog drink me.) It is good to hear that I'm not completely crazy to want this set up. I'm happy and will certaily ask for change (or leave) the relationship if I'm ever unhappy with it. A huge change I've made in my life is learning to ask for exactly what I want or need from a relationship, it helps that teacher is respectful and always makes an effort to follow through with my requests, even if they are as little as holding my hand or making more time for me. I'm hoping I never settle for a man who does less.
21 July 2011
148
fuck
it is has been forever, is anyone still randomly following this?
Surprisingly, I'm still dating Teacher. We are making a little room for each other, so it's kind of like an open relationship. I've cheated twice. He's cheated once. We've been honest. I cheat because I like attention, I'm new to being single...I'm insecure, reassurance from others that I'm worthy (even just worthy enough to fuck) makes me feel better than my usual self. He cheated because he was tempted & he fell for temptation. & to me that is a fair enough excuse.
In all honesty I gave up on hopes of monogamy being my path years ago, but I feel uncomfortable wondering what others will think of me continuing to date Teacher, but also dating other people. I want to say 'fuck other people' but I know I am not capable of disconnecting myself from outside judgement.
I cannot remember the last time I purged.
I still binge.
I still starve.
I still make up idiotic diets to lose weight fast.
Obviously nothing is working. I'm consistently pudgy & it is beyond frustrating.
it is has been forever, is anyone still randomly following this?
Surprisingly, I'm still dating Teacher. We are making a little room for each other, so it's kind of like an open relationship. I've cheated twice. He's cheated once. We've been honest. I cheat because I like attention, I'm new to being single...I'm insecure, reassurance from others that I'm worthy (even just worthy enough to fuck) makes me feel better than my usual self. He cheated because he was tempted & he fell for temptation. & to me that is a fair enough excuse.
In all honesty I gave up on hopes of monogamy being my path years ago, but I feel uncomfortable wondering what others will think of me continuing to date Teacher, but also dating other people. I want to say 'fuck other people' but I know I am not capable of disconnecting myself from outside judgement.
I cannot remember the last time I purged.
I still binge.
I still starve.
I still make up idiotic diets to lose weight fast.
Obviously nothing is working. I'm consistently pudgy & it is beyond frustrating.
31 May 2011
149
Life is harder than I think it should be, but I'm honestly not complaining.
Dealing with custody fights.
Struggling to make enough to keep my apartment.
& yet, I'm still having the best time of my life! I'm happy and finally on my way to something I want.
Dealing with custody fights.
Struggling to make enough to keep my apartment.
& yet, I'm still having the best time of my life! I'm happy and finally on my way to something I want.
23 May 2011
150
So, I won't lie...I'm a little tipsy right now, some might call it drunk, but I have to put these thoughts out there somehow. I can't share it with friends because I don't want them to worry...
I feel so torn with Teacher, I can't tell if I'm in love or am I just happy someone loves me?
How do I know the difference?
I feel so torn with Teacher, I can't tell if I'm in love or am I just happy someone loves me?
How do I know the difference?
22 May 2011
153
So no real update because I'm basically still where I was when I was 9 and my eating disorder first entered my life. I'm insecure and horribly out of control with food, the only difference is now I'm not purging.
I weigh 153lbs. I've been binge eating far too frequently, but I haven't purged. I am aware my body has no real awareness of feeling full. If I even get close to feeling full I can't stop eating, I have to keep going until my stomach is so full I feel like I'm going to burst. It's awful; binge eating, but never purging. The guilt stays in you for days instead of being immediately released. I tried to purge the other night, but I just kept gagging and I realized my body is no longer accumstomed to the habit and I needed to keep it that way. I hope I continue to be strong willed about not giving in to purging.
I'm making no promises or plans, my whole life is filled with broken promises and unexecuted plans, but I did run last night for the first time in what feels like months and I hope I continue until it is a regular habit again.
I want to end on a positive because the group thearpy sessions are trying to teach us to focus on the positives in our lives that have no real association with the # on the scale. So, I guess on the plus side: I'm still dating Teacher and he truly has been the best addition to my life (I just wish I could accept his love everyday, but my doubt creeps in and holds me back from really falling). I almost came out to him about my food issues, but decided against it for now. Someday, whether it is him or not, I want the man I love to know my darkest secret.
I weigh 153lbs. I've been binge eating far too frequently, but I haven't purged. I am aware my body has no real awareness of feeling full. If I even get close to feeling full I can't stop eating, I have to keep going until my stomach is so full I feel like I'm going to burst. It's awful; binge eating, but never purging. The guilt stays in you for days instead of being immediately released. I tried to purge the other night, but I just kept gagging and I realized my body is no longer accumstomed to the habit and I needed to keep it that way. I hope I continue to be strong willed about not giving in to purging.
I'm making no promises or plans, my whole life is filled with broken promises and unexecuted plans, but I did run last night for the first time in what feels like months and I hope I continue until it is a regular habit again.
I want to end on a positive because the group thearpy sessions are trying to teach us to focus on the positives in our lives that have no real association with the # on the scale. So, I guess on the plus side: I'm still dating Teacher and he truly has been the best addition to my life (I just wish I could accept his love everyday, but my doubt creeps in and holds me back from really falling). I almost came out to him about my food issues, but decided against it for now. Someday, whether it is him or not, I want the man I love to know my darkest secret.
30 April 2011
147
didn't mean to disappear again, I went camping on the beach with the Teacher. So of course there has been a ridiculous amount of drinking and eating this past week, but now I'm back home and back to my happy little routine of slowly starving my ass back into a desirable shape.
24 April 2011
21 April 2011
147
Finally, some progress on the scale.
If I stay focused and committed, I could be under 140 again by Mother's Day and at my lowest before the end of May.
Diuretics will be purchased today.
My current eating & workout:
am yoga
b. protein shake
s. cucumbers
l. salad (if anything)
s. broccoli
d. lean protein
pm run
& ab work whenever & however many times a day I can squeeze it in
I'm trying not to mix food groups when I eat, the idea that digestion works better when your body only has one type of food to breakdown is in my head right now...maybe crazy, but at least it's keeping me from overeating.
If I stay focused and committed, I could be under 140 again by Mother's Day and at my lowest before the end of May.
Diuretics will be purchased today.
My current eating & workout:
am yoga
b. protein shake
s. cucumbers
l. salad (if anything)
s. broccoli
d. lean protein
pm run
& ab work whenever & however many times a day I can squeeze it in
I'm trying not to mix food groups when I eat, the idea that digestion works better when your body only has one type of food to breakdown is in my head right now...maybe crazy, but at least it's keeping me from overeating.
20 April 2011
149
A horrible example of how much I let my eating disorder screw up my life...
When I was 18 I moved out on my own and started a ridiculous habit of using one credit card to pay for all my binge eating, it was a partly a strange obsession with knowing how much money I was flushing down the toliet and partly becuase I didn't always have the money to spend on a binge. By the end of the first year I was carrying a balance of $10,000. I have been paying on that balance for basically a decade, while stupidly continuing to charge all my binges. The balance is now at $25,000. Who knows how many times I came close to paying that card off just to start racking up the debt again.
The group therapy is helping me realize that I have to deal with this debt (& the shame associated with it) before I can truly move on. I'm about to completely fuck my credit score to get out from under the debt, but hopefully this debt settlement program will help me in the long run (& be a better alternative to bankruptcy).
When I was 18 I moved out on my own and started a ridiculous habit of using one credit card to pay for all my binge eating, it was a partly a strange obsession with knowing how much money I was flushing down the toliet and partly becuase I didn't always have the money to spend on a binge. By the end of the first year I was carrying a balance of $10,000. I have been paying on that balance for basically a decade, while stupidly continuing to charge all my binges. The balance is now at $25,000. Who knows how many times I came close to paying that card off just to start racking up the debt again.
The group therapy is helping me realize that I have to deal with this debt (& the shame associated with it) before I can truly move on. I'm about to completely fuck my credit score to get out from under the debt, but hopefully this debt settlement program will help me in the long run (& be a better alternative to bankruptcy).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)