142

at least I'm not continuing to gain, I was up to 146 for a bit...

I am supposed to meet with a clinic in town that has an outpatient treatment program, but I keep putting it off. It scares me to enter treatment, I don't really want to sit through therapy because I don't really want to deal with this disease. I just want it to leave.

Ending on a happy note: Friday is my last day at this shitty job! & I think I'm in love with the teacher. I know he loves me, but I'm still trying to find a way to believe I deserve it. & here is a pic of me & my best friend, without him who knows how lost I'd be.

142

Wahh, I'm fat.

I'm sick...again. fucking colds.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I played the violin growing up. 15 years of practicing & participating in countless orchestras. Sure, I'm still playing, but playing alone just isn't the same so I don't really count the last 5+ years.

So, Teacher just learned this little factoid about me and in the sweetest gesture he bought tickets to the symphony. We're going Saturday to see a performance of Tchaikovsky's Romeo & Juliet. I haven't seen an orchestra/symphony live in years (although I have seen several musicals & ballets and I always end up watching the 'pit' instead of the stage...)

Teacher is also hoping I'll play for him someday, but I really don't think I can do it. Ever since he mentioned wanting to hear me play I can't even make it through my simple warm ups without fumbling! Oh, why must I be so insecure?

139

I like when the scale goes down, it makes me happy.

I made dinner last night for the teacher, it was healthy & delicious...(a little) whole wheat pasta, spinach, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes all tossed with a garlic/oil mix. Under 300 calories for my serving, he at the other 500 or so...not that I was counting or anything.

Last night teacher told me he'd put on some weight since we started seeing each other. Guess we're both happy & comfortable with each other, damn you new relationship weight gain! He said he was 'all the way up to' 163...fuck I feel too fat for him...

140

Yay! still haven't purged!

I'm trying to get this eating thing under control - not restrictive control, just no b/p episodes - before I focus on making the scale go down.

I do realize that if I was really committed to getting healthy I wouldn't even enter the restrictive realm again...