147

Oooh & to add to the fun, my ex just started dragging me through court, he is trying to get full custody of our son. For those of you who have followed me for a while know he suffers from bipolar disorder, which is still being poorly treated. He has several DUIs on record, severe anxiety problems with several attacks that left him hospitalized and the house he lives in is filled with holes he's punched in the walls & doors. I don't think he'll be awarded custody, but it's so frustrating having to deal with it and I still kill myself with worry over the 'what ifs'

I spent all of last night curled up in a ball crying and drinking whiskey. I feel like my life may always be filled with so much baggage that no man will want to take it all on. The idea of spending my life alone honestly terrifies me, but I'm trying to remain positive and am so proud of myself for not letting all of this set off a binge-purge episode. I have been doing so well keeping the bulimia at bay and I refuse to allow it to creep back in.

This morning I sucked it up and reminded myself that my life can be better, but only if I'm better.

I pulled myself out of bed & met a friend for coffee
I loaded up my fridge with fruits, veggies & kombucha
I went for a run & did a little yoga

Hoping I can hold on to the healthy outlook throughout all of this drama, but I find myself already wishing I had teacher's shoulder to cry on & that only makes me want to cry harder...

148

up 3lbs since July. Could be worse...I guess.

I broke up with teacher, but I still love him. I miss him terribly, but things weren't right. We dated for over a year and it took me that long to realize he is not the kind of man I want to help me raise my son. & I'll get over it someday, but right now the loneliness is eating away at me.

145

Ugh, moving. Such an exhausting chore, but two upsides: 1. It's a great workout carrying loads of furniture up & down stairs and 2. I'm moving in with 2 friends which will save me hundreds of dollars a month on rent (yes, my son is still with me, he is moving in too.)

School starts in a few weeks, for both my son and I. I think we are equally nervous, he is starting Kindergarten and I'm returning to College for my Masters in Chemistry. Pretty big stuff happening in August for this littly family.

& I'm happy to hear all of the supportive comments from you about the monogamish relationship I'm in. (thanks Savage Love for that word & thanks for telling me about the blog drink me.) It is good to hear that I'm not completely crazy to want this set up. I'm happy and will certaily ask for change (or leave) the relationship if I'm ever unhappy with it. A huge change I've made in my life is learning to ask for exactly what I want or need from a relationship, it helps that teacher is respectful and always makes an effort to follow through with my requests, even if they are as little as holding my hand or making more time for me. I'm hoping I never settle for a man who does less.

148

fuck

it is has been forever, is anyone still randomly following this?

Surprisingly, I'm still dating Teacher. We are making a little room for each other, so it's kind of like an open relationship. I've cheated twice. He's cheated once. We've been honest. I cheat because I like attention, I'm new to being single...I'm insecure, reassurance from others that I'm worthy (even just worthy enough to fuck) makes me feel better than my usual self. He cheated because he was tempted & he fell for temptation. & to me that is a fair enough excuse.

In all honesty I gave up on hopes of monogamy being my path years ago, but I feel uncomfortable wondering what others will think of me continuing to date Teacher, but also dating other people. I want to say 'fuck other people' but I know I am not capable of disconnecting myself from outside judgement.

I cannot remember the last time I purged.
I still binge.
I still starve.
I still make up idiotic diets to lose weight fast.

Obviously nothing is working. I'm consistently pudgy & it is beyond frustrating.