05 September 2015


Know what recovery looks like?


& better than Fat: HAPPY!

I won't pretend; everyday is not perfect, but I purge only few times a month, if at all.

And I will call that success.

I'm happy. My life is bigger than the scale and I am thankful for my mindset finally  catching up.

I would LOVE to be back under 130, but I'm not willingly to sacrifice my sanity for it ever again.

02 May 2013


Thank you, kazehana.

I know you're right.

I'm just not ready to let go of it yet.

23 April 2013


I can not express how much I am loving this song:

chocolates & cigarettes *

I fucking hate being this size. I am done with it, I bought a 10lb weight vest and have started running in it. My knees hurt, but it feels worth the pain.

Most days I drink only protein shakes and when I cave and eat real food I always purge. I'm hoping someday the scale will reflect the minimal intake.

My teeth hurt again. They are really sensitive to cold & hot drinks and I fear they will be completely useless one day, but I can't stop.

I can't stop until I'm thin again.

*I do not smoke, but am absolutely addicted to chocolate...

05 April 2013


I'm huge.

In reality, I'm average.

I am not okay with being average.


I'm not coping well...not with the divorce, not with being a single mom, not with being a student, not with being poor [again], or finding my 'new' way.

My life feels awful.

Teacher moved away & I started dating another man, we'll call him Ogre. My Ogre was amazing - for 6 months he was amazing - he kept up his perfect front, but then...oh, but then, did crazy came out. My heart was broken and I felt lost again.


Binging & purging is at an all time high for me; which explains the huge because no bulimic actually gets to be thin, we only pretend for a minute that we aren't as fat as we really are. [if only I could find a way back to EDNOS, bulimia with bouts of anorexia, maybe then I could find real results in weight loss]