meh

My marriage is falling apart and while I'm trying and making an effort to change my behaviors, my husband just keeps adding to the list of reasons why I suck at life. (& really, let's be honest, no one could make that list longer than I could on my own)

but he's awesome & oh-so-smart, so of course it isn't his fault, or even his problem, that we're fighting all the time - it's all mine.

We're going to give marriage counseling a try after we get back from Christmas traveling. I debated asking him to just stay home, but thought my mother would hate me for that, so off we go to pretend to be a happy family for Christmas...yay...

It's funny though because none of my friends are telling me to stay with him, seriously, not one. You'd think they would if he was a decent guy, but it turns out they think he treats me like crap and I deserve better...& I know my friends are biased, but a few of these comments came from a friend of his who called me yesterday because my husband mentioned to him that I was being a bitch. I guess that guy doesn't think I'm such a bitch, he thinks my husband is an ass & will never change, but I'm trying to hold out hope that he will.

I want to think counseling is going to help, but right now I just want to bitch...and eat...and possibly eat some more...

if only when I was angry I wanted to run - that'd be awesome....

Ugh, money & family

Oh dear - We took my motherinlaw & sisterinlaw to the Great Wolf Lodge & I'm pissed because I offered to cover the cost of practically everything, including the room, if they would pay for one dinner (& that ONE dinner was supposed to be their Christmas present to us). We've been planning this trip for at least a month and they couldn't budget in $30 to take us all to McDonald's? or between the two of them at least $60 for a decent sit down place?

I wouldn't be mad if they were poor, but they aren't, they are just terrible with money and my husband is turning into 'one of them', he has $20 until Friday...

The Great Wolf Lodge was sooooo cool, such a fun place to take kids - google it if you haven't heard about it, but it is an expensive place to go (I paid for it all, yet I still have money in my checking acct, but I digress)

Other downside of the weekend, My husband and I got in a HUGE fight Saturday night (not in front of his family or the kid, we were alone & out of the room). Sadly, we've been fighting a lot lately. Well, he's been yelling at me a lot lately because everything I say seems to trigger anger from him. Even simple questions like, 'What would you like for dinner?' or 'What are you watching?'

Usually I'm quiet and try to ignore him when he starts yelling & I just blame it on the meds he's on, but Saturday I just couldn't take it anymore. He said some really hateful things that I'm not sure I'll ever forget or be able to forgive him for saying.

I'm contemplating separation, I'm becoming indifferent to his buillshit and I think that shows I no longer care about him.

I feel awful for our son, but being raised in a family where your mother and father have no respect for each other would be much worse.

Vegetarian / Vegan

Is it weird that I wish people wouldn't notice I don't eat meat? I don't like being called a vegetarian by my friends, they all say it with disapproval.

I don't care that they eat meat, so why do they care that I don't? I'm not running around calling my husband a carnivore or my coworkers omnivores - stop labeling me.

I'm frustrated because I mentioned trying a vegan diet for a while to a friend and she responded with, "that's just nuts! what would you eat?!" let's face it, I don't really like her anyway...

& the answer is food, duh...

not too bad...

Church was interesting, I realized if you replaced the word sin with food, the experience really spoke to me :)

My son sat through the whole service, of course he had a snack & did some coloring, but even kids who go to church all the time do that. He seemed to like it and asked me if we could go back.

Have any of you seen Bless the Child? Not that I think my son is some special gift from the heavens with the ability to maintain the balance between good & evil in this world, but I think some people are drawn to faith in an unexplainable way and my son seems to be one of those people. I mean, we don't talk about church or God in our house and I'm sure they mention it at the daycare he goes to, but what 3 year old do you know that asks questions about faith and the universe and actually grasps it? Sure, sure - you think I'm crazy too, but my son really has a knack for understanding social dynamics and shows more empathy than most adults I know.