30 September 2010


Jordan, you are not an asshat. My husband is an asshat.

Last night I took part in the most ridiculous conversation of my life (to date, because I can only imagine what 'fun' the future holds for me).

We were discussing my moving out and he basically concluded that I absolutely must return to counseling with him and then he will decide if our marriage is indeed over (or not). I'm not 'allowed' to move out because it would only show I am not in the proper mindset to raise a child and how dare I burden him the mortgage payment. Not to mention, even if he does decide he hates me, we would still have to find a way to continue living together to raise our son.

Seriously. Being raised by parents who hate each other? Yeah, that sounds like the ideal situation for a kid.

For fuck's sake - Why did it take me so long to realize what a douchebag this guy is? but don't worry, his rant hasn't changed any of my plans.

The 'escape route' is there and with a secret tattoo on my side for added confidence - I'm all set.

I'm still dropping off my paperwork and deposit at the apartment tonight. It's a cute little 1 bedroom w/ a den (I'll take the den, kid gets the room), a fireplace (yay!!, what? I like fire), and it's on the third floor with a huge balcony looking out into a wooded lot. Benefits include the cost is on the lower end of my budget, I have friends living in the same complex, 2 more friends about 5 miles away and a family friend, who is like a grandmother to my son, is only 10minutes away. Also found an affordable preschool right near my work with an opening coming up at the end of October. It's all pretty much falling into place.

Thank you all for your support, I wish I felt more amazing or worthy of admiration, but I am getting there.

& in my first ED related news in a while, I'm going to do a juice fast for October. I like to think I'm going to spend the month clearing out all toxins in my life - excess junk, terrible husband, bad food, & of course a little fat so that I can start November and my 27th year of life off right.

29 September 2010


I know talk is cheap and as much as I want a fairy tale ending, I know if there is a happily ever after for me, it is not going to be with him.

I told my son about moving, I said how much his dad and I love him and how we would always love him no matter what just sometimes moms & dads need to live in different houses. I think he took the news pretty well, he even seems a little excited about having a new room. He only cried when I told him the dog wouldn't live with us and he keeps reminding me how much he'll miss the dog. It's so sad and I think it says a lot about my husband if his son cries over the dog, but doesn't cry about moving away from his dad.

I'm still looking for a preschool, but we should be moving into the apartment before the end of October.

ps - my tattoo hurts a little bit... ;) I figured since the husband won't be seeing me naked ever again I might as well go ahead with it. The feather is simple, no color and I love it. I'll post pictures as soon as it heals a little more, all the redness makes it kind of gross for now.

28 September 2010


He swears he can change.

Why is part of me stupid enough to want to believe him?

25 September 2010


He told me I was crazy and I was the one ruining the relationship.

Today I realized it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm the bitch or if he's the psycho. Or if both is true.

All that matters is this relationship isn't working out for either of us and I'm finally taking a stand for me.

I'm off to do some apartment shopping today, I would feel more comfortable having my own place than bunking (and feeling like a burden) with my friends.

Any advice on how to talk to my son about us moving out without dad? My husband cannot talk to me without yelling, so I think this is a conversation I'm going to have to do on my own.

24 September 2010


looking at the brightside...

of my husband's hoarding habits, I will be able to fully furnish an apartment when I move out.

I did a little inventory check last night:

6 chairs
5 dressers
4 coffee tables
4 beds
3 tvs
3 computers
3 couches
3 sets of utensils
2 desks
2 kitchen tables
2 unpacked sets of glasses/plates
2 sets of pots/pans

keep in mind,

this is only a list of the items I'd consider from, there's plenty more crap in the house that I don't want

& we live in a 1,400sf, 3 bedroom house

Two of the beds are stacked in the 'office', boxspring, boxspring, mattress, mattress - it's like princess & the pea, it towers over in the room. He wouldn't let me sell the extra bed after we bought a new one for the master bedroom because - well - he's a hoarder, but I can certainly appreciate the positive that it is now because I get to take them with me!


This means the only big purchase I have to make when I move into a new place would be....


Anyone? Yeah, I'm thinking I'll be pretty well stocked as is.

23 September 2010


Not too bad, I'm down 4lbs for September.

It's amazing how not speaking with my husband also frees me from all of the fatty foods he likes to eat. No random pizza for dinner nights or requests for me to stop for fast food - it very well may be one of the best things about the dissolution of this marriage. I think if/when I date again I'll want to find some skinny vegan boy, who loves fasting. Oh yeah, I know, I dream big...

Too bad I'll probably be stuck at this weight for a bit since I'm without a 'babysitter' for the rest of the week, which means no running. That may be the worst part about me leaving - no one to watch the kid while I run, but there is an easy enough solution to that problem - I'll just have to 'splurge' on a gym membership with daycare options ;)

The other kind of sad part? I think he'll want to keep the dog. It was supposed to be his dog anyway, but I'm secretly hoping he'll 'burden' me with the responsibility of caring for our doberman.

22 September 2010


I told him.

Sort of.

I said I was going to be staying with a friend for a few days. Thursday - Sunday, & then he is out of town Monday - Tuesday so I'll stay at the house for the dog.

Could a few days turn into weeks, months....years? Probably.

I confirmed his 'worry' that I was already done with the relationship, in his words - I've checked out. I attempted to explain that I've spent the last 7 years giving him everything I had to offer and making excuses for his inability to reciprocate the love (& effort), the ending result being that I'm exhausted, I'm half the person I once was. I told him I have nothing left to give.


On a cheerier note, I have a standing appointment with the tattoo artist on the 28th, but since the peacock feather is tainted by my husband's words I want to hold off on it. I'm worried if I get it now I will always associate it with what he said, hopefully someday I'll get over it, but for now I'm thinking of getting something happy & positive, like 'chin up' (from Charlotte's Web) or some other positive affirmations, any suggestions?

21 September 2010


Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~Anaïs Nin


My husband is going out of town for work next Monday & Tuesday, here is to hoping I find the courage to move out while he is away.

Fuck I'm terrified already, I'm practically shaking. I can't even pinpoint what it is that I'm scared of.

Sure wish I felt a little less crazy.

20 September 2010


I'm completely blown away by all of your comments. Thank you! Thank you! for making me feel a little less crazy and showing me he really is stealing my happiness one cruel word at a time.

I know I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm aware the more weight I lose and the more confident I become the worse the abuse gets. He was his kindest when I was fat and no one else wanted me, it may be why we went ahead and walked down the aisle because at the time I didn't realize his kindness was linked to my fat.

I can practically remember pulling on the suit of armor and wanting to play the rescuing hero when I first started dating him. He cried to me about how he had been hurt in the past and all the women before were so cruel to him and I promised never to hurt him the way they did and never to leave him. I promised all those things people do when they blindly enter a relationship.

The problem is: I keep my promises, for better or worse, but I'm starting to believe there is a first time for everything.

Time for me to start breaking some promises.

16 September 2010


I feel like I'm 220lbs - Yesterday was a HUGE fucking fail of a day

I ate meat - I binged at home -I cried

a lot

you'd cry too if you received the following email from your husband:

Don't get the tattoo. You will probably grow to hate it because I will most likely tell you how much I hate it every time I see it. Your body can not handle a large tattoo. Tattoos should not be placed any where that is pudgy or does not have the appearance of being firm. You are a mother now with a mother's body and a tattoo like you want will not look good on a mother's body.

I hope it does make you think twice, & even if you lost weight you would look relatively the same where you want to get the tattoo.

This confirms that my fat husband sucks at life, the fucking hypocrite. He is saying I'm pudgy and I don't need anything accenting my fat, yet he is waddling around at an actual 220lbs in clothes that are too small for him.

The worst line? even if you lost weight you'd still look the same - I read that to mean, I won't find you sexy no matter how much weight you lose because you have a mother's body and always will. I know he thinks tattoos are sexy, I've seen his porn collection so his issue is not the tattoo, his issue is with my body.


Doesn't matter either way, the tattoo artist canceled tonight and I'll probably feel too fat and motherly to go through with it in two weeks anyway.

bonus? this weekend I get to play happy married couple at his sister's wedding, yay...

right now, I hate my fucking life.

15 September 2010


Fruity Pebbles
Pomegranate yogurt

...not exactly on track with my fruit only day

but at least they both are pretending to contain fruits, right?

14 September 2010


I'm sick of being average.

Except, I'm not because the average American woman is now a size 14. And really, how nerdy is it of me to be curious what the mode is? It's just, I want to believe the morbidly obese are skewing the number, but I guess a quick glimpse around any public arena will tell you size 14 may not be far from accurate.

So, I guess in the grand scheme of ever expanding American waistlines, I'm actually quite small at a size 6, but all I want is to be a size 4 before I turn 27. I think if I was a size 4 I'd feel less average, but I won't know until I get there. Liquids only today, tomorrow will be only fruit and Thursday add in veggies and maybe cycle that until I hit a new low.

I'd love to get your opinions, do you think I should do the peacock feather in color? or only black? I'm on the fence about it.

13 September 2010


I took some much needed time for myself and made the whole weekend a 'fat and happy' kind of weekend - lots of friends, drinking & food - Not so in love with the fat part, but I can tolerate some bad with the good. And I have all week to make up for my indiscretions.

I finally stopped by the tattoo shop!! but unfortunately the artist I like was not in town so I have to wait until Thursday. I hung out for a bit and chatted with a few of the other guys in the shop about my husband's disapproval and they offered to sketch out some different options. I wasn't surprised by their encouragement to go ahead with the tattoo the way I liked it best despite his thoughts, but I was impressed with how understanding and sympathetic they were to my husband's feelings - it was sweet and I really can't wait to see what they come up with.

It doesn't really matter to me that I won't be 130 or that I'm not sure what design I'm going with, I'm just excited to get a tattoo Thursday!!

10 September 2010


Wonderful things today:

I'm 134!!

You all are fabulous, thanks for listening to my problems and giving your input, it's appreciated more than you may ever know. My husband does take meds, but I don't think he shares enough about how he is fuctioning on his meds or his drug manager doesn't give a fuck - maybe somewhere in the middle? He refuses to find a new doctor because...well, who knows why, I just don't think this doctor has helped him make much progress over the last year and it might be time to try someone new. We all know all doctors are not created equal, there are stupid doctors out there just like there are genius mechanics running around, but I don't need to convince you.

& Zen passed an award onto me :)

things I hate
1: cocky people - you know the ones who think they are better than everyone else for absolutely no good reason
2: money - it pollutes the world because no one ever seem to have enough
3: fat - do I really need to explain why?
4: other people's kids - I find 98% of children I meet to be disrespectful, obnoxious aholes

things I love
1: large breed dogs - anything over 50lbs. I'm just not a fan of little dogs, I always think I'm going to step on them
2: rain - it washes everything clean, smells wonderful and it's fun to splash around in puddles
3: my family - we're a little fucked up since we all have issues with food and body image in one way or another, but I think we are still a pretty amazing little unit
4: flowers - not roses and not cut boquets. I love smelling them in gardens and nothing is prettier than a field of wildflowers.

& I wish I could share all the blogs I love, but here are a few I think you should swing by :)

Don't Eat Lemons


250 liquid calories? How the fuck did I do that?

I noticed something nice in the mirror today...I know, something nice in the mirror? what a rarity!...I have ribs showing on my back & my sides, lovely little ribs poking through and my collarbone is more pronounced than before

I'm going for another day of liquids, but I'm already settled on the idea of how high the calorie count will be today since I have my heart set on a latte for lunch since this week has been exhausting.

I want to acknowledge that onetenam is right, I do have some wonderful, lovely bloggers who listen to my whining and love me anyway - thank you, it has been a huge relief to have somewhere to vent (and get some feedback)

& now, back to my venting

. . .

Last night my husband and I spent time talking/yelling at each other and sifting through all the little bullshit and we finally came to an agreement/understanding of our individual fails.

- I have no consideration for his mood disorder.

- He lacks the ability to compromise.

I think the conclusion we came to is good, but only because we figured out (and agree on) the 'root' of our problems. The bad part? Those are some huge issues to overcome.

I'm embarrassed to say my patience and understanding for his mental health is lacking (or sadly may be nonexistent) - how can I have my own issues with depression (& an ED) and not understand that some things you can't just 'get over'? I'm aware my following statement is wrong, logically I know this, but I can't let go of the idea that: my mental state is always within my control, so in turn his mental state should be within his. I know I'm ridiculous. To help me better understand his situation, I'm shopping around for books to help guide me as the spouse of someone with bipolar disorder and anxiety, any chance any of you have some suggestions?

& for his issue - how does someone who believes the world runs in black & white learn to find the gray areas? He is so stubborn and hard headed that if he states the sky is green, it doesn't matter what you say because that sky will always be green in his mind and you are an idiot to believe otherwise...no seriously, we had this conversation once...

Am I so far off in thinking the issues we each bring to the relationship would probably be considered deal breakers?

& apparently, if I go ahead and get the tattoo then I am being openly defiant and spiteful towards him and he'll never want to see me naked again. First thing I think to myself is, 'fuck, I'll show you spiteful' and I start dreaming up a huge side tattoo and how I could lose 5lbs by Monday...

Jesus Christ, I know this marriage is fucked up.

09 September 2010


liquids only day

it just seems appropriate to make up for yesterday

too bad the coffee I made this morning tastes like dirt since I only put enough water in for one cup, but enough grounds to make a whole pot...

whatever, I'm still drinking this shit

*oh, & I say my husband doesn't deserve my love because he practically spits all over it. Love may be a gift meant to be given freely, but that doesn't mean others should insult it. I just wish he valued my love and if he doesn't value my love, then why does he keep me?

08 September 2010


Things I did today:

- purged.

I hated it...but I kind of liked it too

- told my husband I loved him

he doesn't deserve my love

Why can't I seem to quit things I know are bad for me?

07 September 2010


I didn't realize it was possible to drink yourself stupid, but I think I managed to do just that over the 3 day weekend.

Unfortunately, I'm still fighting with my husband, which of course leads me to entertain the idea of leaving him (again). Yesterday I perused apartments to see if there was anything I could afford and instead of stopping by to get the tattoo placed I decided to get sloppy drunk with some friends.

Personally I think it was an excellent decision.

06 September 2010


21 day Vegan Kickstart

If you've been flirting with the idea of going vegan, now would be a great time to give it a shot.

Also, I'm going today to have the tattoo placed! :) Hopefully I'll be able to snap a decent photo & get all of your opinions too.

04 September 2010


Thank you all so much for your advice on the tattoo issue.

I'll post a response to a few of your comments later, but I don't have much time today. I just wanted to post that I'm 136, which means 3lbs down in 3 days :) & that I've made my decision about the tattoo.

I'm going to ask the tattoo artist to place the outline for the feather on my side (either tonight or tomorrow depending on time) that way my husband can see it before it's permanent and no matter how he feels about it after actually seeing it, I'm still going through with it when I hit 130.

Thanks again everyone!

03 September 2010


Forgive me, but I hate being married.

I wish all of the possessions in the home were mine again and I could paint them, cut them, burn them, or throw them out as I see fit. I'm sick of trying to convince someone else of my plans.

& it's beyond the furniture, apparently my body is 'off limits' for alterations as well.

I canceled the tattoo appointment in August because I wasn't 130 and last night when I mentioned to my husband that I was going to make the appointment for the end of September, he flat out told me no. He said he thinks the tattoo is a stupid idea and that he doesn't want to look at it for the rest of his life. His suggestion? that I draw the feather on a mirror or keep a picture of it in my wallet if I like it so much. I think he completely missed the point of tattoos. I tried offering a few alternative ideas for my tattoo, like he should help me design a different feather he might like better, or he could suggest a different location that he thought was more fitting, or he could help design an entirely new tattoo that held the same meaning. But non of those worked because he can be a hard headed prick sometimes.

Honestly, I'd get the tattoo today if I had the cash available (& if my sister would send me her feather sketch since I hate all of mine) because I'm a defiant bitch like that. But since I neither have a personal sketch nor the money, I'll have to wait.

Horribly enough, there is a little voice in the back of my head saying I should 'honor & obey' my husband - fucking old school mentality still creeps into my feminist brain - so I wanted to get your opinions, whether you're married or not, do any of you have a better argument in his favor?

Keep in mind, I have tried to put myself in his shoes, how would it make me feel if he wanted a tattoo that I objected? I think tattoos are so personal and as long as it wasn't blatantly inappropriate, like another woman's name, then I'm ok with it because after all it is his body and his vision of art not mine.

02 September 2010


I think I've mentioned before that neither my husband nor I are neat people. We aren't exactly messy, but we don't really keep a clean house either. Please don't think we live in filth, it's not like we could have a spot on the show Hoarders, but we would probably fit in over at Clean House.

It's incredibly frustrating because even when I clean - I mean hardcore scrub baseboards, vacuum windows, rearrange furniture, even touch up paint the walls - it's still not clean enough because we have so much crap in such a tiny space. I went a little crazy with cleaning last night, but I almost went fucking nuts this morning when I wake up and look around only to find that the house still looks unkempt.

I wish we could be featured on Clean House, maybe Niecy Nash would be able to convince my husband to throw out at least 1 of the 4 coffee tables in our living room, and the worst part? he doesn't even like coffee....

01 September 2010


139 - not bad after a week of free food & family, did I mention

Colorado is gorgeous and wonderful (especially when being compared to North Carolina) and after this trip I've come to the conclusion that I have 2 options. I'm going to need my husband to a. change his mind about cold winters or b. die and then I can move there.

Obviously, if I could pick I 'd choose option a and don't think I'm the awful person in this scenario, my husband has some serious health problems for being only 26 and he's the one who keeps saying things like 'when I die you can do that'.

& my 10% paycut is temporary, but that's only because my job here is basically temporary. The company is barely bringing in enough to cover payroll each week, but luckily it's Wednesday and we just received enough cash for Friday's checks. Yay for being certain I'm getting paid!

Also, I wanted to share my monthly food budget with you all (keep in mind the groceries are mostly coke zero and food for a small child and a fat man)

groceries: $300
alcohol: $60
lunch: $10

There are a few things I find amazing about my budget, let me point them out for you...

-I am proposing to only consume $60 of booze a month, which means I'll be entering some horrible state of sobriety or I'll need to seriously downgrade to popov vodka or something equally cheap and disgusting

-I am able to plan meals (only breakfast & dinner) for a family of three at the cost of around $4 a meal

-oddly enough (or not really that odd at all) my lunch & my prescription money are one in the same because adderall is fabulous savings my wallet & my waistline

I have a feeling being poor is going to look good on me ;)