30 April 2011


didn't mean to disappear again, I went camping on the beach with the Teacher. So of course there has been a ridiculous amount of drinking and eating this past week, but now I'm back home and back to my happy little routine of slowly starving my ass back into a desirable shape.

24 April 2011


fuck yes! 144

I am on the right track

21 April 2011


Finally, some progress on the scale.

If I stay focused and committed, I could be under 140 again by Mother's Day and at my lowest before the end of May.

Diuretics will be purchased today.

My current eating & workout:

am yoga
b. protein shake
s. cucumbers
l. salad (if anything)
s. broccoli
d. lean protein
pm run
& ab work whenever & however many times a day I can squeeze it in

I'm trying not to mix food groups when I eat, the idea that digestion works better when your body only has one type of food to breakdown is in my head right now...maybe crazy, but at least it's keeping me from overeating.

20 April 2011


A horrible example of how much I let my eating disorder screw up my life...

When I was 18 I moved out on my own and started a ridiculous habit of using one credit card to pay for all my binge eating, it was a partly a strange obsession with knowing how much money I was flushing down the toliet and partly becuase I didn't always have the money to spend on a binge. By the end of the first year I was carrying a balance of $10,000. I have been paying on that balance for basically a decade, while stupidly continuing to charge all my binges. The balance is now at $25,000. Who knows how many times I came close to paying that card off just to start racking up the debt again.

The group therapy is helping me realize that I have to deal with this debt (& the shame associated with it) before I can truly move on. I'm about to completely fuck my credit score to get out from under the debt, but hopefully this debt settlement program will help me in the long run (& be a better alternative to bankruptcy).

19 April 2011


grrr..still only down 1lb

It's obviously time to start running again. I've become so lazy in the last year that the idea of running just a few miles exhausts me, oh how I miss the days where I ran 5 miles almost everyday...

First step, purchased new running shoes yesterday.
Second step, get them on my feet & get my fat ass outside.
Third step, run & stop being fat.

Beach trip coming up with the Teacher, ewww bathing suits, but yay! for a fun getaway for just the two of us :)

16 April 2011


Spent some quality time with the Teacher last night, it was definitely needed after the terrible week I've had dealing with the ex. First we went to a wine bar then met up with some of his friends at a club downtown. I planned to be the dd to keep my drinking calories low, unfourtunately I may have not calculated the fact that I only ate a small lunch and so the 3 or 4 drinks I did have had a huge impact on me and I was pretty drunk by 11...whoops. it was still a great night and we arranged another ride home.

My ex has been suffering from a severe episode of depression for the last few weeks (he has bipolar disorder) and has threatened suicide several times. I'm working on gaining full custody of our son because I'm concerned how these episodes are affecting him. It is so incredibly stressful & unfourtunately expensive. My savings account is empty and I'm barely making ends meet as it is. Maybe if I'm poor I'll stop eating entirely and at least be thin...

15 April 2011


1lb down

I'll take it

oh & for me, b12 helps keep my energy up when I'm not eating a lot (especially if I'm not eating meat)

13 April 2011


I'm sick of being at this weight, time to do something about it. Picked up supplies today at the store, protein shakes mineral water smart water bottles green tea senna tea vitamins, multi & B-12 I'm determined to lose weight