10 September 2010


250 liquid calories? How the fuck did I do that?

I noticed something nice in the mirror today...I know, something nice in the mirror? what a rarity!...I have ribs showing on my back & my sides, lovely little ribs poking through and my collarbone is more pronounced than before

I'm going for another day of liquids, but I'm already settled on the idea of how high the calorie count will be today since I have my heart set on a latte for lunch since this week has been exhausting.

I want to acknowledge that onetenam is right, I do have some wonderful, lovely bloggers who listen to my whining and love me anyway - thank you, it has been a huge relief to have somewhere to vent (and get some feedback)

& now, back to my venting

. . .

Last night my husband and I spent time talking/yelling at each other and sifting through all the little bullshit and we finally came to an agreement/understanding of our individual fails.

- I have no consideration for his mood disorder.

- He lacks the ability to compromise.

I think the conclusion we came to is good, but only because we figured out (and agree on) the 'root' of our problems. The bad part? Those are some huge issues to overcome.

I'm embarrassed to say my patience and understanding for his mental health is lacking (or sadly may be nonexistent) - how can I have my own issues with depression (& an ED) and not understand that some things you can't just 'get over'? I'm aware my following statement is wrong, logically I know this, but I can't let go of the idea that: my mental state is always within my control, so in turn his mental state should be within his. I know I'm ridiculous. To help me better understand his situation, I'm shopping around for books to help guide me as the spouse of someone with bipolar disorder and anxiety, any chance any of you have some suggestions?

& for his issue - how does someone who believes the world runs in black & white learn to find the gray areas? He is so stubborn and hard headed that if he states the sky is green, it doesn't matter what you say because that sky will always be green in his mind and you are an idiot to believe otherwise...no seriously, we had this conversation once...

Am I so far off in thinking the issues we each bring to the relationship would probably be considered deal breakers?

& apparently, if I go ahead and get the tattoo then I am being openly defiant and spiteful towards him and he'll never want to see me naked again. First thing I think to myself is, 'fuck, I'll show you spiteful' and I start dreaming up a huge side tattoo and how I could lose 5lbs by Monday...

Jesus Christ, I know this marriage is fucked up.


Mich said...

His opinion on the tattoo is completely unreasonable. It's YOUR body. I mean I could understand him getting upset if you were getting some giant obnoxious tattoo covering your whole back, but you're not. You're getting something nice and a good size it sounds like.

Deep breaths! You guys have some issues, but you love each other and you can work through them. It's just a pain in the arse sometimes. :)


zen said...

Fuck it... I'd tattoo my entire back ;)

Counseling. Both of you.

HE may have a mental disorder, but so does most of the fricken population. It just sounds like a cop-out.

On-going treatment is a must. There are so many drugs that can help him function better.

I take pills, they make me happy, so I have very little sympathy for those who their use mood disorder as a crutch.

It takes work. But you cannot be expected to be a saint. And you deserve stability.

Just my opinion. I obviously do not have all the facts. But ultimately everyone can chose to remain the way they are "old dog... new trick", or accept the responsibility that they need to continue trying to improve themselves.

I'm babbling.
Anyways...GO HERE, http://pixelzen.blogspot.com/2010/09/just-read-this-no-skimming.html

You got another award :)
xoxo zen

tracy said...

Once again, so sorry for all this..i so get the marriage thing. Is your husband on medication or doing anything about his problems? i have BPD and i know i am difficult at times, but do "take my meds...and will see a new Meds Cowboy" next month.

Husband and i had a simliar time last night...yuck!

He says he has "loved me too much to say 'NO'" to my bad habits, etc...blah, blah, blah....but he orignally came home raving about the changes in the various Military Clothing...his way to vent, i guess, as he hasn't been Army since before we were married...alomst 25 years ago!

Mindy said...

I would have to say zen Said it perfectly...Too bad we don't live by each other...cuz I want a tattoo on my side. My husband was against it as well...I told him when I achieved the stomach I wanted I was getting it anyway...now it doesn't matter what he says. I would love to give you some marriage advice, but take it from me and go to counseling....I didn't and now I'm getting divorced. Tell your husband to grow some balls and take some meds...he's being petty and riDICKulous. At least you guys are talking/yelling about your issues....that's a plus right? Stay strong love...congrats on the weight loss. Much love...

Anonymous said...

I love you and I wish I could fix him so he would just pamper you and take care of you and be the perfect husband. Blah. I still think you should get the tattoo - it's YOUR body. Besides if he wants to try and say he'll never want to see you naked again, puhleaaase, what guy doesn't want to bang a hot girl with a tattoo? He's just being spiteful.

Mia H said...

im glad you had a talk, at least. however, those are very big issues to overcome and both of you will need to work on it.
good luck!