03 September 2010


Forgive me, but I hate being married.

I wish all of the possessions in the home were mine again and I could paint them, cut them, burn them, or throw them out as I see fit. I'm sick of trying to convince someone else of my plans.

& it's beyond the furniture, apparently my body is 'off limits' for alterations as well.

I canceled the tattoo appointment in August because I wasn't 130 and last night when I mentioned to my husband that I was going to make the appointment for the end of September, he flat out told me no. He said he thinks the tattoo is a stupid idea and that he doesn't want to look at it for the rest of his life. His suggestion? that I draw the feather on a mirror or keep a picture of it in my wallet if I like it so much. I think he completely missed the point of tattoos. I tried offering a few alternative ideas for my tattoo, like he should help me design a different feather he might like better, or he could suggest a different location that he thought was more fitting, or he could help design an entirely new tattoo that held the same meaning. But non of those worked because he can be a hard headed prick sometimes.

Honestly, I'd get the tattoo today if I had the cash available (& if my sister would send me her feather sketch since I hate all of mine) because I'm a defiant bitch like that. But since I neither have a personal sketch nor the money, I'll have to wait.

Horribly enough, there is a little voice in the back of my head saying I should 'honor & obey' my husband - fucking old school mentality still creeps into my feminist brain - so I wanted to get your opinions, whether you're married or not, do any of you have a better argument in his favor?

Keep in mind, I have tried to put myself in his shoes, how would it make me feel if he wanted a tattoo that I objected? I think tattoos are so personal and as long as it wasn't blatantly inappropriate, like another woman's name, then I'm ok with it because after all it is his body and his vision of art not mine.


tracy said...

Wow. Do i know this feeling. i wish i had some advice. At least you and your husband are comunicating regularly. My marriage is a mess...and somehow i just know it's all my fault. :(

So sorry for the tatoo mess. i have wanted one for years.

Anonymous said...

It's your body and you should be able to do what you want. Within reason. Just like anything else in life. You tried to negotiate etc and he is being difficult. The bottom line to me is that things like this should not be an issue in a good marriage. When you love someone you want them to be happy right? So, if it means some compromise etc then that's what you do. As a team. Not all black and white like your husband is being. He is wrong and you are right in my opinion. If he were behaving in the way he should then your discussion should have led to a solution that would work for both of you. End of story.

Jo said...

Yes, it is your body...though your husband has a valid interest in it as well. A tattoo should be your decision...but what if you were looking to get a full sleeve or a huge face tattoo? Ultimately, your body is your business, and if he continues to be rigid on this issue, you'll only feel resentment.

Hmmm, not really sure how helpful my comments are, lol.

Jasmine said...

I've been married for three years. Basically, you agreed to live your life WITH this person... not FOR this person. There are times to compromise, and there are times to put both feet firmly on the ground.

It's your body. It will make you happy to get this tattoo. So yes, you should most definitely do WHATEVER you want honey. Life's too precious and short to be taking orders from ANY man.

You deserve to be happy. Whether it's a tattoo, or lovely bones on display... don't let him stop you.

Take care,

*daisy* said...

What a dick. I'm sure he has redeeming features but seriously - YOUR body, YOUR choices. This made the angry feminist me irate.
I really don't know how helpful my comments are as I don't actually believe in marriage but maybe he just takes some getting used to the idea of your tattoo. Good luck! xoxo

Anonymous said...

It's not a matter of obeying anyone, nor should you turn this in to something that will cause you to resent your husband. I love Jasmine's point of a marriage being a commitment to live *with* someone, not *for* someone - but in a sense I think it is also only fair that each person do their part in a relationship to try and keep their spouse interested in each other's bodies to ensure a lasting sense of physical attraction.

If your husband won't relent in any sense, and refuses to compromise, then he's honestly just being stubborn and you have no reason to feel guilty for going against his will - you DID try to negotiate the terms of the tattoo with him, so what do you have to feel bad about?

In the end it is ultimately your decision - but this could end on such better terms if you could find a way to come to an agreement with him on the matter. Tattoos are permanent, marriages (should be, but in reality) aren't.. is it worth it to put such a huge strain between you two for this tattoo? And that isn't even directed at you, so much as it should be directed at him - he's being the stubborn one. I hope you two can figure something out so that you can get your ink done and he can get his head straight on the matter.

Stay strong and the best of luck on this one :)

Piglet said...

I understand his concern about not liking the exact feather you wanted to get or even the location/size of the tattoo. But what I DON'T understand is how he wouldn't even come to a compromise even when you tried your hardest to come up with one that you could both agree on.

If this were me and my husband wouldn't compromise with me (which is very unlikey because he stresses it more than I do and sometimes it gets on my nerves! haha) I would just get the tattoo I wanted in the size and place I wanted it and be done with it. You gave him the opportunity to compromise and he refused, so you can refuse to let him flat out tell you what you can and can't do with your own body.

Mia H said...

if he loves you then he shouldnt object to a tattoo like that. he can tell you his opinion but thats about it. its your body and he should accept that

kazehana said...


What's really behind his objection?

Is he afraid of the idea of you doing something without him that he can't experience with you?

Does he not like the idea of someone else, a stranger, seeing or handling your body?

Partners both male and female have strange reactions sometimes to the body art of their sig-os because your body is a means of communication with one another as well as with the world around you.

What is he afraid that you're communicating?

A friend of mine and I were going to get matching tattoos together and his girlfriend put the kibbosh on it because the idea of him having a permanent link to another woman made her jealous and uncomfortable.

Nevermind the fact that he and I had been friends (just friends, never dated) for 6 years before he ever knew her and that no matter whether or not she could see it on his body, I'll always be a part of him anyway by virtue of our shared time and experiences.

The symbolism of it made it more difficult to endure, but symbolism is a visual reminder of an intangible reality.

What intangible reality is it that is chaffing your husband?

I don't have any advice, except to look a little more closely at the picture he's painting for you of the things he equates as being welcome/unwelcome.

Good luck. :)

Anonymous said...

tattoos > anyone elses opinion

I'm pro tattoo and pro doing whatever the fuck you want. Isn't marriage a compromise? He should be grateful you aren't getting a giant penis tattooed on you. Seriously.

tracy said...


giant penis...love it!