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I haven't purged in 7 days. Mostly because my throat couldn't take anymore and I've made it a point to eat only insanely spicy foods this past week to discourage any purging.

I told a friend about my eating disorder. His reaction was the best I've ever received. He didn't judge or ask why, only asked what he could do to help me.

I have an appointment with a clinic in town in February, my friend will attend with me if I decide to actually go.

Teacher and I are still doing well, we took a dance lesson last night and learned how to swing - very fun! He is wonderful, but I think he is part of the reason I started purging again. I don't feel I'm good enough for him - I know it's all in my head, but inadequacy is a hard feeling to shake.

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+ I'm making time for working out

- I'm still purging

I purged four times yesterday, & I'm already planning my lunch in terms of purging...

If I've quit purging for six months or so at a time in the past, but I seem to keep picking it up again, do any of you think I should seek the assistance of a counselor or a therapist to help me or should I just refocus my shit like before? I know it's really all up to me to change, I just wonder if a professional would be better suited at helping to make a permanent change in my habits. I don't know.

..well fuck, I think this is the first time since I was 17 that I've entertained the idea of seeking treatment...

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Usually the absence of a blogger is one of two things, life is incredibly awesome and you find yourself too busy living it to blog or life is so out of control and your eating habits suck & you just can't seem to bring yourself to write it all out and admit to it.

My absence is both...

I'm happy - ecstatically, ridiculously overjoyed with life.

reasons I'm happy:
I LOVE being a single mom (yes, I'm only a single mom 60% of my time, but maybe that's partly why I get to love it so much?)
I'm quitting a job I hate.
I'm going back to school.
I'm seeing a man I really like. (who also treats me incredibly well)
I'm having great sex. lots of it...

I am also ridiculously out of control:

I'm not eating only vegan foods.
I can't seem to stop eating.
I'm purging one meal a day.
It's fucking cold outside and I'm being lazy. I can't seem to drag myself out from under a comforter long enough to do yoga, let alone make it to the gym.
& as a result, I'm pudgy... again.

I need to balance my life better, so here are my steps to getting my weight back under control:
1. stop purging, it's just a lame excuse to overeat and it only encourages more eating. stop it. stop it right now.
2. get my ass to the gym.
3. have more sex...because that makes everything better.

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I'd like to share my New Year's Resolution:

* Be Happy - & do whatever it takes to be happy

Currently it means that I will eating vegan again and continue seeing the teacher regularly, some might even call it dating...

That is all, whatever it takes.