22 May 2011

153

So no real update because I'm basically still where I was when I was 9 and my eating disorder first entered my life. I'm insecure and horribly out of control with food, the only difference is now I'm not purging.

I weigh 153lbs. I've been binge eating far too frequently, but I haven't purged. I am aware my body has no real awareness of feeling full. If I even get close to feeling full I can't stop eating, I have to keep going until my stomach is so full I feel like I'm going to burst. It's awful; binge eating, but never purging. The guilt stays in you for days instead of being immediately released. I tried to purge the other night, but I just kept gagging and I realized my body is no longer accumstomed to the habit and I needed to keep it that way. I hope I continue to be strong willed about not giving in to purging.

I'm making no promises or plans, my whole life is filled with broken promises and unexecuted plans, but I did run last night for the first time in what feels like months and I hope I continue until it is a regular habit again.

I want to end on a positive because the group thearpy sessions are trying to teach us to focus on the positives in our lives that have no real association with the # on the scale. So, I guess on the plus side: I'm still dating Teacher and he truly has been the best addition to my life (I just wish I could accept his love everyday, but my doubt creeps in and holds me back from really falling). I almost came out to him about my food issues, but decided against it for now. Someday, whether it is him or not, I want the man I love to know my darkest secret.

4 comments:

mechaeng said...

I've moved towards getting a better waist to height ratio. I get obsessive about the scale. :(

Because I love who I can become said...

"my whole life is filled with broken promises and unexecuted plans" i can so relate to this.
I think its awful how you felt when you were 9..its such a young tender age. just makes you think.

i hope all goes well and kudos for focusing on the good.
x

Moonlight Mistress said...

This whole post is right where I am right now (minus the purging...never have been able to do that). Even the weight is the same *shame*.

I hope things start to get better for you. I'm going to try to start running again soon. I truly do miss it.

~MLM

Kate said...

..."my whole life is filled with broken promises and unexecuted plans"-- I too can relate to this. And, my ED issues started when I was 9 as well. Thank you for being so open, and good for you-- strength and focusing on the positive. Just looking back over your blogroll I see amazing strength. :)