148

fuck

it is has been forever, is anyone still randomly following this?

Surprisingly, I'm still dating Teacher. We are making a little room for each other, so it's kind of like an open relationship. I've cheated twice. He's cheated once. We've been honest. I cheat because I like attention, I'm new to being single...I'm insecure, reassurance from others that I'm worthy (even just worthy enough to fuck) makes me feel better than my usual self. He cheated because he was tempted & he fell for temptation. & to me that is a fair enough excuse.

In all honesty I gave up on hopes of monogamy being my path years ago, but I feel uncomfortable wondering what others will think of me continuing to date Teacher, but also dating other people. I want to say 'fuck other people' but I know I am not capable of disconnecting myself from outside judgement.

I cannot remember the last time I purged.
I still binge.
I still starve.
I still make up idiotic diets to lose weight fast.

Obviously nothing is working. I'm consistently pudgy & it is beyond frustrating.

149

Life is harder than I think it should be, but I'm honestly not complaining.

Dealing with custody fights.

Struggling to make enough to keep my apartment.

& yet, I'm still having the best time of my life! I'm happy and finally on my way to something I want.

150

So, I won't lie...I'm a little tipsy right now, some might call it drunk, but I have to put these thoughts out there somehow. I can't share it with friends because I don't want them to worry...

I feel so torn with Teacher, I can't tell if I'm in love or am I just happy someone loves me?

How do I know the difference?

153

So no real update because I'm basically still where I was when I was 9 and my eating disorder first entered my life. I'm insecure and horribly out of control with food, the only difference is now I'm not purging.

I weigh 153lbs. I've been binge eating far too frequently, but I haven't purged. I am aware my body has no real awareness of feeling full. If I even get close to feeling full I can't stop eating, I have to keep going until my stomach is so full I feel like I'm going to burst. It's awful; binge eating, but never purging. The guilt stays in you for days instead of being immediately released. I tried to purge the other night, but I just kept gagging and I realized my body is no longer accumstomed to the habit and I needed to keep it that way. I hope I continue to be strong willed about not giving in to purging.

I'm making no promises or plans, my whole life is filled with broken promises and unexecuted plans, but I did run last night for the first time in what feels like months and I hope I continue until it is a regular habit again.

I want to end on a positive because the group thearpy sessions are trying to teach us to focus on the positives in our lives that have no real association with the # on the scale. So, I guess on the plus side: I'm still dating Teacher and he truly has been the best addition to my life (I just wish I could accept his love everyday, but my doubt creeps in and holds me back from really falling). I almost came out to him about my food issues, but decided against it for now. Someday, whether it is him or not, I want the man I love to know my darkest secret.