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I don't know about the rest of you, but meeting new girls always makes me nervous. I haven't met anyone that is going on the trip this weekend and I just found out it's 4 girls and one other couple. To deal with my anxiety about it I may have facebook stalked them all to determine if I would indeed be the fattest chick there and sadly it's undetermined - come on ladies, you need to stop putting multiple people in your profile pictures because I want to believe the fat girl is you, but I'm pretty sure you're the skinny brunette....

Do you know what happens when I start to panic about my weight?

binge

know what follows the binge?

purge

What triggered all of this you may wonder? a stupid hot tub at the mountain house. It's fucking winter kids, can't I keep a baggy sweater on?!?

My menial coping skills just aren't fighting through this panic, & I need to know what to do? I don't want to 'forget' my suit and look like a flake, but I also don't think I'll be able to make it through the week without more b/p episodes.

...fuck

138

+ 3lbs - I blame booze

fucking beer - when will I learn that captain morgan's & whiskey are much better choices for my waist line?

Speaking of road blocks on my weight loss goals - Mr teacher man wants me to join him and some friends in the mountains this weekend. Guess what is involved? Lots of food & drinking. Fuck, I want to go, but I hate being fat.

Guess I'm starving all week in preparation for another weekend of over indulging.

b. 1/2 oatmeal + adderall
l. 1/2 'chx' sandwich
d. edamame

& I have a prescription for adderall, I'm sort of ADD - I just amp up the symptoms for the Dr.

?

Hot Teacher and I went out 3 nights this week (& fell into bed) and even better last night was the best date I have ever had.

We met early in the afternoon to go to an art museum and spent a few hours wandering around together. He was the perfect guy for me to go with, we gave each other space to look and would randomly share/discuss when there was a particular piece we enjoyed. From there we went to a new sushi place in town and had a delicious dinner (seriously delicious, I'm tempted to stop by and pick up dinner tonight for myself). Then a friend of mine called and invited us to go see a local band , but the concert didn't start until 10 & since we had a few hours to kill we went back to his place and ... an amazingly fun time was had & then again after the concert...

Probably helps that all of the things we did were things I hated doing with E or things he refused to do. Hot Teacher is so fun & happy, it is a wonderful change of energy to have around me.

We also had 'the talk' about what we wanted from the relationship. I let him say what his intentions were first (that way he couldn't just agree with what I said I wanted) and lucky for me we agree we want to continue seeing each other, but neither of us is looking for a committed relationship - we just want to have fun with each other while the fun lasts. yay!

Hope (for the American readers) that you made it through Thanksgiving without huge tragedy, I think I did alright, but I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see the damage.

135

So who would like to start making bets that this is where I completely fuck up my eating and I starting gaining back up to 140?

'cause that is definitely my pattern for... what? the last year & a half or so? maybe 2+ I just fluctuate between 135-145.

I'm excited to be down to 135 again, but pretty much terrified that this is where I always seem to lose momentum and/or to hit a road block.

Do you see the road block this time? It's Thanksgiving & then Christmas, fucking holiday food...

b. 1/2 buttered bagel + coffee
l. adderall + sparkling water
d. beer?

?

Interesting articles on Google News today about how some women are oblivious to their actual weight. Some women can't see how overweight they actually are and some normal/underweight women perceive themselves as fat.

I try every single day to convince myself that I am not as fat as I think I am. My BMI is in the normal range and I am, by most people's standards, slim. This research simply tells me that my body image is no more fucked up than anyone else because it seems nearly half of us are incapable of accurately seeing what is in the mirror.

b. adderall
l. sparkling water
d. playdate+dinner :(

137

I can do a handstand!

...almost - Ok, I know that is random since I haven't been talking about exercise at all lately, but I bought this yoga book over a month ago and I love it! the book is full of pictures & explanations of how to do poses and then has a section where they layout a series (each takes about 15 minutes) that will help you achieve specific results, like toning, anxiety relief, improved memory, clearer skin, better orgasms, etc. One of my favorites is the set for confidence, it ends with a handstand and I have been trying to do it away from the wall for about a week now and I am almost there! I was so excited yesterday I squealed as soon as I was able to raise my feet together, and then of course, I promptly fell over.

I still claim success.

yesterday:
b. 1/2 donut
l. coffee+ leftover pasta
d. 2 beers

today:
b. adderall + V8
l. 1/2 quesadilla
d. stir fry veggie + rice

?

Last night hot teacher invited me over so he could cook dinner for me & honestly I'm still baffled by this part of the evening. I have never had a man actually cook for me - sure my husband dumped contents of jars, bags or boxes into pans, but this guy prepared an entire meal from scratch for me while I watched. He didn't want my help, he just poured me a drink and we listened to music and talked while he worked. It was weird, but kind of nice & an added bonus the meal he prepared was delicious & vegetarian. After we went out for drinks & dancings - he loves to dance & is a great dancer - I on the other hand am just a girl who knows how to shake her ass well, but I'm pretty sure he still had a good time since we stayed until 2am. Of course the night ended at his place, it was late, I was a little drunk so I stayed the night - we fooled around for a few hours, but that was all, no sex. This morning on my little 'walk of shame' out the door, he asked when he could see me again. I only have a bit of a hangup about seeing him again anytime soon because although he says he isn't looking for a girlfriend, I'm pretty sure he is. What do you think? See him again, or no?


*Obviously this little part of my evening is only funny because nothing bad happened: before I drove over to his house I sent a picture of him, his address & phone number to a friend of mine (just in case) & how amazing is my friend? he saved the info as 'Kelly's Potential SVU Case File'.

137

yesterday's eats
b. coffee
l. 1/2 chx sandwich + coke zero
d. 1,000+

today's plan
b. leftovers
l. coffee
d. hopefully just drinks + dancing

The hot teacher date was wonderful. We met at 6 for drinks, he was funny and sweet, it really was a great date. We ended up talking until 10 and forgot to eat dinner. Great night + only 500 calories of beer = WIN! Despite him being hot, funny & easy to talk to I really didn't really feel chemistry or a connection with him, it was like more like hanging out with an old friend - comfortable & fun, but he must have felt something because he already called & asked me out again! :) I'm hoping plans work out tonight & I'll be able to go out to the club with him.

Thursday's date was followed by the worst date ever last night. The guy was an old friend/ex and he thinks he (still) loves me. I'm not even sure why I went, I don't need boys loving me. In college he was fun to be around, but now he is just depressing. He complained the whole way to dinner about not having any money and how slow his job was. He bitched throughout the meal how much his last girlfriend sucked, the meal was free (compliments of his brother the GM) but he only left the server a $10 tip (our check was easily over $50). He is too focused on the negative and I really don't need that around me again, so I'm done with that kid...plus his car was a piece of shit, seriously, I thought it was going to break down on the way to dinner.


oh, btw - best anonymous comment ever! You're right, he did win the lottery - I will absolutely let him do all of the driving.

138

yesterday's eats:
b. fruit loops
l. 1/2 veg. burrito
d. 1 beer

today's plan:
b. 1/2 waffle+oj
l. sparkling water
d. drinks+?

Drinks (& maybe dinner) with the hot teacher tonight, kind of funny that I'm dressed like a nerdy librarian today...

Oooh & I went ahead and made plans to meet Tom (the 42 yrold) Monday for a 'sleepover' - makes me giggle that I'm making plans for an out of town date like this, but I feel it's what I need right now - great sex with no commitment. He lives 2+ hours away & although I offered to meet him halfway, he said he will drive the majority - what a gentleman, right? no, I kid, I kid, but at least if I only drive 30 minutes to see him I'm not obligated to actually stay the night if I don't want to.

137

I remember how my heart ached everyday I was with E and how I thought it would hurt even more if I left - turns out I was wrong, all that heartache was just me wishing our relationship was anything other than what it was and now I feel relief - I feel free.

My friends all say they are happy to see the 'old' Kelly back again - specifically one friend said it was nice to hear a genuine laugh from me. I like my laugh, & my smile - I'm beyond happy to have myself back too.

I wanted to jot down a few highlights of my past week, to act as a reminder when maybe things aren't feeling so great...


*I'm saving money (because I'm not wasting it on junk food for a fat man)

*I'm losing weight (because I'm not eating my meals with a fat man)

*I find more time to laugh and play with my son (because I'm not wasting my energy trying to get E's attention)

*my son is saying please and thank you all the time (E didn't believe in using manners...)

*a cute boy I ran into at Starbucks asked me to meet him for coffee next week

*a hot teacher saw me with a mutual friend & he asked for my number - we're going out for drinks tomorrow

*I met an incredibly sexy 42 year old who reminded me how much fun sex is...not to mention, he seems a bit smitten with me & wants to see me again when he is back in town - I'm playing coy, but am absolutely up for the repeat

-

All I can figure is that some of those awesome things on my list must be true after all...

137

I'm not really counting calories or sticking with my plan, but it's alright because the scale apparently approves of what I am doing lately, so I won't worry about it...

b. coffee or tea
l. apple or carrot sticks
d. veggies + rice or pasta

I eat exactly what my son eats when we're together, same portion size & everything. It's all about portion control, right? :)

139

I'm still skipping around like the world is roses.

I ran twice this weekend

& did yoga everyday

Who knew a few orgasms could change a girl's outlook on life?

140

I met a man, a tall, handsome salt & peppered hair kind of man

& then proceeded to roll around in the sheets with him

It's been several months since my last 'rendezvous', so I had an itch that needed to be scratched

& I'm not above being a little slutty

Not to mention he absolutely made it worth my time

& it was the perfect scenario for me, he was only in town for a conference and is already gone

I have a little extra bounce in my step now

& I'm not so scared of being single again

-

little PSA for my younger readers - always use protection, oh, & one night stands are bad, mkay?

141

oooh 1lb down in 5 days - watch out world, I'm getting nowhere fast....

b. 25, chai tea w/ soy milk
s. 0, green tea
l. 110, latte
s. 70, sour patch kids
d. 100, edamame

?

b. ?, 3 grapes
s. 0, coke zero
l. 160, .5 bean burrito
s. 70, banana
d. 200, vegan corndog + broccoli

I had the worst hangover ever after the birthday celebration Friday night. I haven't stayed in bed after 8 am since I was 18, I'm just kind of an early bird, but Saturday I didn't roll out of bed until 3pm and even then I wasn't sure I was actually alive.

Looks like the company I work for will be out of business by Spring 2011 and I'm pretty sure they are going to fire me before Christmas (because this place hates paying out unemployment benefits) I've decided it's ok for 2 reasons, 1- I wouldn't need to live off unemployment since I already know I have 2 part time jobs waiting for me (that they will cover my bills) and 2 - I fucking hate this job anyway and the idea of moving on makes me really happy.

I even looked into going back to school again & registration starts on the 15th!

Because, really, is there anything better than a complete overhaul on your life to really jump start a new beginning?

142

b. 120, kix+coffee
s. 70, banana
l. 210, veggie wrap
s. 100, pumpkin seeds
s. 50, apple
d. 1,235,978, s'mores cheesecake + alcohol

I spent last night listing reasons I am awesome - I'm going to try and start believing them since I realize I am absolutely in a better place this year than I was last, so I'm looking forward to tonight with some wonderful friends, and of course a few too many bottles of wine.

Happy Birthday to me!

142

Sure wish I hadn't found a scale to hop on yesterday...ick, 142 again...

I will try to remind myself how much worse it would be if I was living with E still.

I am happy to be on my own, I need to focus more on that and other positives rather than the failure of my marriage - because really how much bigger of a fail could my life have been if I had chosen to stay?!

eats today...

b.120, toast+tofu
s. 70, banana
l. 200, taco
s. 50, apple
s. 90, granola bar
d. 200,vegan corndog+broccoli

My birthday is Friday, and I have big plans to get dressed up and get drunk. I just have to convince myself that 142 isn't too fat to go outside...

?

I'm numb.

I need to cry

but I don't want to