145

Ugh, moving. Such an exhausting chore, but two upsides: 1. It's a great workout carrying loads of furniture up & down stairs and 2. I'm moving in with 2 friends which will save me hundreds of dollars a month on rent (yes, my son is still with me, he is moving in too.)

School starts in a few weeks, for both my son and I. I think we are equally nervous, he is starting Kindergarten and I'm returning to College for my Masters in Chemistry. Pretty big stuff happening in August for this littly family.

& I'm happy to hear all of the supportive comments from you about the monogamish relationship I'm in. (thanks Savage Love for that word & thanks for telling me about the blog drink me.) It is good to hear that I'm not completely crazy to want this set up. I'm happy and will certaily ask for change (or leave) the relationship if I'm ever unhappy with it. A huge change I've made in my life is learning to ask for exactly what I want or need from a relationship, it helps that teacher is respectful and always makes an effort to follow through with my requests, even if they are as little as holding my hand or making more time for me. I'm hoping I never settle for a man who does less.

148

fuck

it is has been forever, is anyone still randomly following this?

Surprisingly, I'm still dating Teacher. We are making a little room for each other, so it's kind of like an open relationship. I've cheated twice. He's cheated once. We've been honest. I cheat because I like attention, I'm new to being single...I'm insecure, reassurance from others that I'm worthy (even just worthy enough to fuck) makes me feel better than my usual self. He cheated because he was tempted & he fell for temptation. & to me that is a fair enough excuse.

In all honesty I gave up on hopes of monogamy being my path years ago, but I feel uncomfortable wondering what others will think of me continuing to date Teacher, but also dating other people. I want to say 'fuck other people' but I know I am not capable of disconnecting myself from outside judgement.

I cannot remember the last time I purged.
I still binge.
I still starve.
I still make up idiotic diets to lose weight fast.

Obviously nothing is working. I'm consistently pudgy & it is beyond frustrating.

149

Life is harder than I think it should be, but I'm honestly not complaining.

Dealing with custody fights.

Struggling to make enough to keep my apartment.

& yet, I'm still having the best time of my life! I'm happy and finally on my way to something I want.

150

So, I won't lie...I'm a little tipsy right now, some might call it drunk, but I have to put these thoughts out there somehow. I can't share it with friends because I don't want them to worry...

I feel so torn with Teacher, I can't tell if I'm in love or am I just happy someone loves me?

How do I know the difference?

153

So no real update because I'm basically still where I was when I was 9 and my eating disorder first entered my life. I'm insecure and horribly out of control with food, the only difference is now I'm not purging.

I weigh 153lbs. I've been binge eating far too frequently, but I haven't purged. I am aware my body has no real awareness of feeling full. If I even get close to feeling full I can't stop eating, I have to keep going until my stomach is so full I feel like I'm going to burst. It's awful; binge eating, but never purging. The guilt stays in you for days instead of being immediately released. I tried to purge the other night, but I just kept gagging and I realized my body is no longer accumstomed to the habit and I needed to keep it that way. I hope I continue to be strong willed about not giving in to purging.

I'm making no promises or plans, my whole life is filled with broken promises and unexecuted plans, but I did run last night for the first time in what feels like months and I hope I continue until it is a regular habit again.

I want to end on a positive because the group thearpy sessions are trying to teach us to focus on the positives in our lives that have no real association with the # on the scale. So, I guess on the plus side: I'm still dating Teacher and he truly has been the best addition to my life (I just wish I could accept his love everyday, but my doubt creeps in and holds me back from really falling). I almost came out to him about my food issues, but decided against it for now. Someday, whether it is him or not, I want the man I love to know my darkest secret.

147

didn't mean to disappear again, I went camping on the beach with the Teacher. So of course there has been a ridiculous amount of drinking and eating this past week, but now I'm back home and back to my happy little routine of slowly starving my ass back into a desirable shape.

144

fuck yes! 144

I am on the right track

147

Finally, some progress on the scale.

If I stay focused and committed, I could be under 140 again by Mother's Day and at my lowest before the end of May.

Diuretics will be purchased today.

My current eating & workout:

am yoga
b. protein shake
s. cucumbers
l. salad (if anything)
s. broccoli
d. lean protein
pm run
& ab work whenever & however many times a day I can squeeze it in

I'm trying not to mix food groups when I eat, the idea that digestion works better when your body only has one type of food to breakdown is in my head right now...maybe crazy, but at least it's keeping me from overeating.

149

A horrible example of how much I let my eating disorder screw up my life...

When I was 18 I moved out on my own and started a ridiculous habit of using one credit card to pay for all my binge eating, it was a partly a strange obsession with knowing how much money I was flushing down the toliet and partly becuase I didn't always have the money to spend on a binge. By the end of the first year I was carrying a balance of $10,000. I have been paying on that balance for basically a decade, while stupidly continuing to charge all my binges. The balance is now at $25,000. Who knows how many times I came close to paying that card off just to start racking up the debt again.

The group therapy is helping me realize that I have to deal with this debt (& the shame associated with it) before I can truly move on. I'm about to completely fuck my credit score to get out from under the debt, but hopefully this debt settlement program will help me in the long run (& be a better alternative to bankruptcy).

149

grrr..still only down 1lb

It's obviously time to start running again. I've become so lazy in the last year that the idea of running just a few miles exhausts me, oh how I miss the days where I ran 5 miles almost everyday...

First step, purchased new running shoes yesterday.
Second step, get them on my feet & get my fat ass outside.
Third step, run & stop being fat.

Beach trip coming up with the Teacher, ewww bathing suits, but yay! for a fun getaway for just the two of us :)

148.5

Spent some quality time with the Teacher last night, it was definitely needed after the terrible week I've had dealing with the ex. First we went to a wine bar then met up with some of his friends at a club downtown. I planned to be the dd to keep my drinking calories low, unfourtunately I may have not calculated the fact that I only ate a small lunch and so the 3 or 4 drinks I did have had a huge impact on me and I was pretty drunk by 11...whoops. it was still a great night and we arranged another ride home.


My ex has been suffering from a severe episode of depression for the last few weeks (he has bipolar disorder) and has threatened suicide several times. I'm working on gaining full custody of our son because I'm concerned how these episodes are affecting him. It is so incredibly stressful & unfourtunately expensive. My savings account is empty and I'm barely making ends meet as it is. Maybe if I'm poor I'll stop eating entirely and at least be thin...

149

1lb down

I'll take it


oh & for me, b12 helps keep my energy up when I'm not eating a lot (especially if I'm not eating meat)

150

I'm sick of being at this weight, time to do something about it. Picked up supplies today at the store, protein shakes mineral water smart water bottles green tea senna tea vitamins, multi & B-12 I'm determined to lose weight

hi

I'm attending group counseling sessions a few times a month. They're ok. I don't like to talk, but it seems listening to others is helping me because I've only purged twice and had a handful of binges since starting. I am up to 150, which I still feel is a terrible weight for me, but I'm trying not to obsess about it. It's impossible for me not to notice the extra fat, but I'm doing my best to keep my head reasonable about it. Teacher and I are still in love, and I won't lie, it surprises me everyday that someone loves me for exactly who I am. I can't explain how shockingly different that kind of love feels. Sorry I've been absent, I'm still trying to adjust to everything that is going on and find balance with all this change. Hope everyone is doing well, I hate that I'm missing out on your lives while trying to figure out my own, but I do hope to be back to regular blogging soon.

142

head over heels in love

142

at least I'm not continuing to gain, I was up to 146 for a bit...

I am supposed to meet with a clinic in town that has an outpatient treatment program, but I keep putting it off. It scares me to enter treatment, I don't really want to sit through therapy because I don't really want to deal with this disease. I just want it to leave.

Ending on a happy note: Friday is my last day at this shitty job! & I think I'm in love with the teacher. I know he loves me, but I'm still trying to find a way to believe I deserve it. & here is a pic of me & my best friend, without him who knows how lost I'd be.

142

Wahh, I'm fat.

I'm sick...again. fucking colds.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I played the violin growing up. 15 years of practicing & participating in countless orchestras. Sure, I'm still playing, but playing alone just isn't the same so I don't really count the last 5+ years.

So, Teacher just learned this little factoid about me and in the sweetest gesture he bought tickets to the symphony. We're going Saturday to see a performance of Tchaikovsky's Romeo & Juliet. I haven't seen an orchestra/symphony live in years (although I have seen several musicals & ballets and I always end up watching the 'pit' instead of the stage...)

Teacher is also hoping I'll play for him someday, but I really don't think I can do it. Ever since he mentioned wanting to hear me play I can't even make it through my simple warm ups without fumbling! Oh, why must I be so insecure?

139

I like when the scale goes down, it makes me happy.

I made dinner last night for the teacher, it was healthy & delicious...(a little) whole wheat pasta, spinach, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes all tossed with a garlic/oil mix. Under 300 calories for my serving, he at the other 500 or so...not that I was counting or anything.

Last night teacher told me he'd put on some weight since we started seeing each other. Guess we're both happy & comfortable with each other, damn you new relationship weight gain! He said he was 'all the way up to' 163...fuck I feel too fat for him...

140

Yay! still haven't purged!

I'm trying to get this eating thing under control - not restrictive control, just no b/p episodes - before I focus on making the scale go down.

I do realize that if I was really committed to getting healthy I wouldn't even enter the restrictive realm again...

140

I haven't purged in 7 days. Mostly because my throat couldn't take anymore and I've made it a point to eat only insanely spicy foods this past week to discourage any purging.

I told a friend about my eating disorder. His reaction was the best I've ever received. He didn't judge or ask why, only asked what he could do to help me.

I have an appointment with a clinic in town in February, my friend will attend with me if I decide to actually go.

Teacher and I are still doing well, we took a dance lesson last night and learned how to swing - very fun! He is wonderful, but I think he is part of the reason I started purging again. I don't feel I'm good enough for him - I know it's all in my head, but inadequacy is a hard feeling to shake.

136

+ I'm making time for working out

- I'm still purging

I purged four times yesterday, & I'm already planning my lunch in terms of purging...

If I've quit purging for six months or so at a time in the past, but I seem to keep picking it up again, do any of you think I should seek the assistance of a counselor or a therapist to help me or should I just refocus my shit like before? I know it's really all up to me to change, I just wonder if a professional would be better suited at helping to make a permanent change in my habits. I don't know.

..well fuck, I think this is the first time since I was 17 that I've entertained the idea of seeking treatment...

142

Usually the absence of a blogger is one of two things, life is incredibly awesome and you find yourself too busy living it to blog or life is so out of control and your eating habits suck & you just can't seem to bring yourself to write it all out and admit to it.

My absence is both...

I'm happy - ecstatically, ridiculously overjoyed with life.

reasons I'm happy:
I LOVE being a single mom (yes, I'm only a single mom 60% of my time, but maybe that's partly why I get to love it so much?)
I'm quitting a job I hate.
I'm going back to school.
I'm seeing a man I really like. (who also treats me incredibly well)
I'm having great sex. lots of it...

I am also ridiculously out of control:

I'm not eating only vegan foods.
I can't seem to stop eating.
I'm purging one meal a day.
It's fucking cold outside and I'm being lazy. I can't seem to drag myself out from under a comforter long enough to do yoga, let alone make it to the gym.
& as a result, I'm pudgy... again.

I need to balance my life better, so here are my steps to getting my weight back under control:
1. stop purging, it's just a lame excuse to overeat and it only encourages more eating. stop it. stop it right now.
2. get my ass to the gym.
3. have more sex...because that makes everything better.

136

I'd like to share my New Year's Resolution:

* Be Happy - & do whatever it takes to be happy

Currently it means that I will eating vegan again and continue seeing the teacher regularly, some might even call it dating...

That is all, whatever it takes.