136

ahhh! 136 - fuck, I blame oj

I can feel a cold coming on and I think I've consumed 3 gallons of orange juice in the last two days. My formula for fighting off a cold fast is ridiculous amounts of oj, tons of water, at least 2 scalding hot showers/baths a day and yoga (mostly child's pose, reduces congestion, and corpse pose for relaxation). It almost always works for me & I'll only suffer from cold symptoms for 4 days. Which means Sunday I should be feeling back to normal....or I'm going to be pissed my free week of vacation (since the office is closed, but I still get paid, yay!) will be wasted feeling like shit.

I had the tattoo done before I moved out of the 'marital home', so late September I think? maybe October. I love it and am so happy I finally took a picture to show all of you.

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas! or a Happy Hanukkah! or a Happy Kwanzaa! or a Merry Solstice! or whatever it is you may celebrate this time of year!

tattoo

finally...a photo

































Merry Christmas!!

133

This is me, drunk at a bar, with a wonderful friend, where I saw someone who looked so much like the lovely zette it took everything in me not to run up and talk to her like she was an old friend.

Little backstory on my friend in the pic, we lost touch for a few years and I never really understood why and as much as I missed her I'm not one to force friendships, so I left her alone. As soon as she heard I left my husband she called me. Turns out he was hitting on her every chance he had and she didn't want to say anything & feel like a homewrecker so she just stayed away. She said if we didn't have a son together she would have told me what a sleezeball he was the moment it happened, but she just couldn't bring herself to (what she felt would) be responsible for breaking up our family. I get it, I certainly wish I had known sooner that he was hitting on my friends (a few more came out to me about it recently as well), but who cares - it's in the past and I'm just happy to have my friend back!

133

Yes, the previous post was a positive reaction to the # on the scale - I was just in shock & still am because it's the Holiday season and I'm not tipping the scale over 140. Crazy good.

tracy! That quote from the C word is my favorite thing ever!! & I definitely feel like I'm getting my weird back :)

Not much to say, kind of busy at work organizing things for the end of the year and my departure! but I just have to share a picture from my weekend with the teacher since I can't post it on facebook (you know, with all the inlaws & mutual friends the ex & I share, it's a little too soon...)

132

Holy fucking shit

132

holy shit

...I have no words

134

I weighed in fully dressed - boots, pea coat, everything...134

awesomeness

My ex and I are currently sharing custody of our son, kind of a 50/50 setup, which means I have him for 3(or4) days and then I'm 'off' for 3(or4) days a week. & let me just say not only is this is doing wonders for my waistline, since I only eat what my son eats when we're together and then I barely eat when he is away, but it also allows me some free time.

This past weekend I was able to go to the mountains with the teacher - it was beautiful, it snowed, we drank, had a snowball fight, laughed and (of course) rolled around in the sheets. I realize I'm on the rebound, but this guy is pretty amazing. I'm happy he came into my life because no matter how short or 'relationship' is, at least now I know how a man should treat me.

Ooooh & I return to school soon! I start taking courses in January - Calculus & Physics (because I have to meet some general education requirements) and then in the fall I'll start my masters in Chemistry. Holy shit, I can't believe I'm going back to school - now all I want to do is go buy a backpack & some pencils!

134

did I mention how much I love coffee? yay for 134!

A little update on all the things going on in my life outside of the teacher & food...

I have a meeting with an academic advisor next Thursday to start planning my return to college! I originally earned a degree in Sociology, so it should only take 2 years to earn a second degree. Right now I'm still thinking about going back for Nursing, but I'm starting to lean towards getting a Masters in Chemistry instead (that's the reason for the advisor meeting, to see if I am eligible to apply to the program). I've always loved Chemistry so I'm going to try to set up a few interviews or shadowing days where I can see what a chemist does on a daily basis. Who knew at 27 I'd still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up?

Also, I'm starting to pick up some part time jobs to help save some extra $ and to have them lined up for when my day job goes out of business or when I start school; whichever comes first. Last night was my first bartending shift in 5 years, it was awkward, but fun. The change of setting was really nice.

I love that right now I have so many things to look forward to and be hopeful about, like school, new jobs, weekends away, great sex, the scale dipping below 130...

135

Let's see...

Monday: restrict, yay!
Tuesday: b/p, boo
Wednesday: coffee, yay!
Thursday: more coffee, yay!
Friday: alcohol+food, boo
Saturday: skip full meals with the excuse of hangover/unruly stomach, yay!
Sunday: coffee, yay!

5 out of 7? not bad...well hopefully I will follow through with the weekend.

Scale is still at 135 - I'll take it and fuck if I'm letting it go back up to 140 again. I reevaluated the weekend and aside from the terrifying fact that I have to wear a bathing suit this weekend there are ways around the other negatives.

Although they came up with a menu and have the meals planned for everyone it just dawned on me that just because they are serving 17 items for dinner doesn't mean I have to eat all 17 (yes, I'm a little slow...what? the panic set in, I couldn't think clearly...) I'm hoping they just assume I'm a picky eater when all I put on my plate are veggies & fruit & I picked up a ton of coke zero & captain for the weekend, no beer for me because as much as I love it the (60 additional calories per drink)+ (bloating factor) = not worth it.

Also, teacher (I kind of feel like a creeper calling him that, but I always had a thing for my hot male teachers growing up, so it's also kind of fun...) promised we'd go hiking, & I looked up the trail to the pond/lake and it's 2+ miles away from the house. And since I do love a good trail run, I am going to pack my running shoes/clothes, but there is no guarantee on it actually happening because sometimes I'm huge ol' pansy when it's cold outside. I figure at least I'll get in a little hike for exercise but, I'm really hoping I'll want to appear all badass in front of everyone and that will be enough motivation to get out in the cold and run.

*can you tell I've had too much coffee??

136

If only I could get away with wearing a full body suit - or my wet suit...

The part that really sucks about feeling like the fat girl, but not actually being the fat girl is that everyone comments and thinks it's strange if the thin girl wears a tshirt. No one ever comments on the whale in the tshirt - ever, but I guess that's how I know I'm not actually grotesque in a swim suit, I only feel that I am.

So, last night I stood in front of the mirror in my bathing suit for an hour and I tried to find myself less disgusting in it...

it didn't work.

Also, I just received an email of the menu for the weekend - holy fatty foods batman! - Wonder what teacher will think if I decide to go vegan again, especially if the vegan kick only lasts the weekend...

?

I don't know about the rest of you, but meeting new girls always makes me nervous. I haven't met anyone that is going on the trip this weekend and I just found out it's 4 girls and one other couple. To deal with my anxiety about it I may have facebook stalked them all to determine if I would indeed be the fattest chick there and sadly it's undetermined - come on ladies, you need to stop putting multiple people in your profile pictures because I want to believe the fat girl is you, but I'm pretty sure you're the skinny brunette....

Do you know what happens when I start to panic about my weight?

binge

know what follows the binge?

purge

What triggered all of this you may wonder? a stupid hot tub at the mountain house. It's fucking winter kids, can't I keep a baggy sweater on?!?

My menial coping skills just aren't fighting through this panic, & I need to know what to do? I don't want to 'forget' my suit and look like a flake, but I also don't think I'll be able to make it through the week without more b/p episodes.

...fuck

138

+ 3lbs - I blame booze

fucking beer - when will I learn that captain morgan's & whiskey are much better choices for my waist line?

Speaking of road blocks on my weight loss goals - Mr teacher man wants me to join him and some friends in the mountains this weekend. Guess what is involved? Lots of food & drinking. Fuck, I want to go, but I hate being fat.

Guess I'm starving all week in preparation for another weekend of over indulging.

b. 1/2 oatmeal + adderall
l. 1/2 'chx' sandwich
d. edamame

& I have a prescription for adderall, I'm sort of ADD - I just amp up the symptoms for the Dr.

?

Hot Teacher and I went out 3 nights this week (& fell into bed) and even better last night was the best date I have ever had.

We met early in the afternoon to go to an art museum and spent a few hours wandering around together. He was the perfect guy for me to go with, we gave each other space to look and would randomly share/discuss when there was a particular piece we enjoyed. From there we went to a new sushi place in town and had a delicious dinner (seriously delicious, I'm tempted to stop by and pick up dinner tonight for myself). Then a friend of mine called and invited us to go see a local band , but the concert didn't start until 10 & since we had a few hours to kill we went back to his place and ... an amazingly fun time was had & then again after the concert...

Probably helps that all of the things we did were things I hated doing with E or things he refused to do. Hot Teacher is so fun & happy, it is a wonderful change of energy to have around me.

We also had 'the talk' about what we wanted from the relationship. I let him say what his intentions were first (that way he couldn't just agree with what I said I wanted) and lucky for me we agree we want to continue seeing each other, but neither of us is looking for a committed relationship - we just want to have fun with each other while the fun lasts. yay!

Hope (for the American readers) that you made it through Thanksgiving without huge tragedy, I think I did alright, but I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see the damage.

135

So who would like to start making bets that this is where I completely fuck up my eating and I starting gaining back up to 140?

'cause that is definitely my pattern for... what? the last year & a half or so? maybe 2+ I just fluctuate between 135-145.

I'm excited to be down to 135 again, but pretty much terrified that this is where I always seem to lose momentum and/or to hit a road block.

Do you see the road block this time? It's Thanksgiving & then Christmas, fucking holiday food...

b. 1/2 buttered bagel + coffee
l. adderall + sparkling water
d. beer?

?

Interesting articles on Google News today about how some women are oblivious to their actual weight. Some women can't see how overweight they actually are and some normal/underweight women perceive themselves as fat.

I try every single day to convince myself that I am not as fat as I think I am. My BMI is in the normal range and I am, by most people's standards, slim. This research simply tells me that my body image is no more fucked up than anyone else because it seems nearly half of us are incapable of accurately seeing what is in the mirror.

b. adderall
l. sparkling water
d. playdate+dinner :(

137

I can do a handstand!

...almost - Ok, I know that is random since I haven't been talking about exercise at all lately, but I bought this yoga book over a month ago and I love it! the book is full of pictures & explanations of how to do poses and then has a section where they layout a series (each takes about 15 minutes) that will help you achieve specific results, like toning, anxiety relief, improved memory, clearer skin, better orgasms, etc. One of my favorites is the set for confidence, it ends with a handstand and I have been trying to do it away from the wall for about a week now and I am almost there! I was so excited yesterday I squealed as soon as I was able to raise my feet together, and then of course, I promptly fell over.

I still claim success.

yesterday:
b. 1/2 donut
l. coffee+ leftover pasta
d. 2 beers

today:
b. adderall + V8
l. 1/2 quesadilla
d. stir fry veggie + rice

?

Last night hot teacher invited me over so he could cook dinner for me & honestly I'm still baffled by this part of the evening. I have never had a man actually cook for me - sure my husband dumped contents of jars, bags or boxes into pans, but this guy prepared an entire meal from scratch for me while I watched. He didn't want my help, he just poured me a drink and we listened to music and talked while he worked. It was weird, but kind of nice & an added bonus the meal he prepared was delicious & vegetarian. After we went out for drinks & dancings - he loves to dance & is a great dancer - I on the other hand am just a girl who knows how to shake her ass well, but I'm pretty sure he still had a good time since we stayed until 2am. Of course the night ended at his place, it was late, I was a little drunk so I stayed the night - we fooled around for a few hours, but that was all, no sex. This morning on my little 'walk of shame' out the door, he asked when he could see me again. I only have a bit of a hangup about seeing him again anytime soon because although he says he isn't looking for a girlfriend, I'm pretty sure he is. What do you think? See him again, or no?


*Obviously this little part of my evening is only funny because nothing bad happened: before I drove over to his house I sent a picture of him, his address & phone number to a friend of mine (just in case) & how amazing is my friend? he saved the info as 'Kelly's Potential SVU Case File'.

137

yesterday's eats
b. coffee
l. 1/2 chx sandwich + coke zero
d. 1,000+

today's plan
b. leftovers
l. coffee
d. hopefully just drinks + dancing

The hot teacher date was wonderful. We met at 6 for drinks, he was funny and sweet, it really was a great date. We ended up talking until 10 and forgot to eat dinner. Great night + only 500 calories of beer = WIN! Despite him being hot, funny & easy to talk to I really didn't really feel chemistry or a connection with him, it was like more like hanging out with an old friend - comfortable & fun, but he must have felt something because he already called & asked me out again! :) I'm hoping plans work out tonight & I'll be able to go out to the club with him.

Thursday's date was followed by the worst date ever last night. The guy was an old friend/ex and he thinks he (still) loves me. I'm not even sure why I went, I don't need boys loving me. In college he was fun to be around, but now he is just depressing. He complained the whole way to dinner about not having any money and how slow his job was. He bitched throughout the meal how much his last girlfriend sucked, the meal was free (compliments of his brother the GM) but he only left the server a $10 tip (our check was easily over $50). He is too focused on the negative and I really don't need that around me again, so I'm done with that kid...plus his car was a piece of shit, seriously, I thought it was going to break down on the way to dinner.


oh, btw - best anonymous comment ever! You're right, he did win the lottery - I will absolutely let him do all of the driving.

138

yesterday's eats:
b. fruit loops
l. 1/2 veg. burrito
d. 1 beer

today's plan:
b. 1/2 waffle+oj
l. sparkling water
d. drinks+?

Drinks (& maybe dinner) with the hot teacher tonight, kind of funny that I'm dressed like a nerdy librarian today...

Oooh & I went ahead and made plans to meet Tom (the 42 yrold) Monday for a 'sleepover' - makes me giggle that I'm making plans for an out of town date like this, but I feel it's what I need right now - great sex with no commitment. He lives 2+ hours away & although I offered to meet him halfway, he said he will drive the majority - what a gentleman, right? no, I kid, I kid, but at least if I only drive 30 minutes to see him I'm not obligated to actually stay the night if I don't want to.

137

I remember how my heart ached everyday I was with E and how I thought it would hurt even more if I left - turns out I was wrong, all that heartache was just me wishing our relationship was anything other than what it was and now I feel relief - I feel free.

My friends all say they are happy to see the 'old' Kelly back again - specifically one friend said it was nice to hear a genuine laugh from me. I like my laugh, & my smile - I'm beyond happy to have myself back too.

I wanted to jot down a few highlights of my past week, to act as a reminder when maybe things aren't feeling so great...


*I'm saving money (because I'm not wasting it on junk food for a fat man)

*I'm losing weight (because I'm not eating my meals with a fat man)

*I find more time to laugh and play with my son (because I'm not wasting my energy trying to get E's attention)

*my son is saying please and thank you all the time (E didn't believe in using manners...)

*a cute boy I ran into at Starbucks asked me to meet him for coffee next week

*a hot teacher saw me with a mutual friend & he asked for my number - we're going out for drinks tomorrow

*I met an incredibly sexy 42 year old who reminded me how much fun sex is...not to mention, he seems a bit smitten with me & wants to see me again when he is back in town - I'm playing coy, but am absolutely up for the repeat

-

All I can figure is that some of those awesome things on my list must be true after all...

137

I'm not really counting calories or sticking with my plan, but it's alright because the scale apparently approves of what I am doing lately, so I won't worry about it...

b. coffee or tea
l. apple or carrot sticks
d. veggies + rice or pasta

I eat exactly what my son eats when we're together, same portion size & everything. It's all about portion control, right? :)

139

I'm still skipping around like the world is roses.

I ran twice this weekend

& did yoga everyday

Who knew a few orgasms could change a girl's outlook on life?

140

I met a man, a tall, handsome salt & peppered hair kind of man

& then proceeded to roll around in the sheets with him

It's been several months since my last 'rendezvous', so I had an itch that needed to be scratched

& I'm not above being a little slutty

Not to mention he absolutely made it worth my time

& it was the perfect scenario for me, he was only in town for a conference and is already gone

I have a little extra bounce in my step now

& I'm not so scared of being single again

-

little PSA for my younger readers - always use protection, oh, & one night stands are bad, mkay?

141

oooh 1lb down in 5 days - watch out world, I'm getting nowhere fast....

b. 25, chai tea w/ soy milk
s. 0, green tea
l. 110, latte
s. 70, sour patch kids
d. 100, edamame

?

b. ?, 3 grapes
s. 0, coke zero
l. 160, .5 bean burrito
s. 70, banana
d. 200, vegan corndog + broccoli

I had the worst hangover ever after the birthday celebration Friday night. I haven't stayed in bed after 8 am since I was 18, I'm just kind of an early bird, but Saturday I didn't roll out of bed until 3pm and even then I wasn't sure I was actually alive.

Looks like the company I work for will be out of business by Spring 2011 and I'm pretty sure they are going to fire me before Christmas (because this place hates paying out unemployment benefits) I've decided it's ok for 2 reasons, 1- I wouldn't need to live off unemployment since I already know I have 2 part time jobs waiting for me (that they will cover my bills) and 2 - I fucking hate this job anyway and the idea of moving on makes me really happy.

I even looked into going back to school again & registration starts on the 15th!

Because, really, is there anything better than a complete overhaul on your life to really jump start a new beginning?

142

b. 120, kix+coffee
s. 70, banana
l. 210, veggie wrap
s. 100, pumpkin seeds
s. 50, apple
d. 1,235,978, s'mores cheesecake + alcohol

I spent last night listing reasons I am awesome - I'm going to try and start believing them since I realize I am absolutely in a better place this year than I was last, so I'm looking forward to tonight with some wonderful friends, and of course a few too many bottles of wine.

Happy Birthday to me!

142

Sure wish I hadn't found a scale to hop on yesterday...ick, 142 again...

I will try to remind myself how much worse it would be if I was living with E still.

I am happy to be on my own, I need to focus more on that and other positives rather than the failure of my marriage - because really how much bigger of a fail could my life have been if I had chosen to stay?!

eats today...

b.120, toast+tofu
s. 70, banana
l. 200, taco
s. 50, apple
s. 90, granola bar
d. 200,vegan corndog+broccoli

My birthday is Friday, and I have big plans to get dressed up and get drunk. I just have to convince myself that 142 isn't too fat to go outside...

?

I'm numb.

I need to cry

but I don't want to

?

Who loves making plans?

This girl.

Here's to dropping some weight *cheers

?

All moved in! Well, at least all the furniture and boxes are there. I have a ridiculous amount of unpacking to do still, but at least my son seems happy with the new location.

I have some amazing friends that helped me move and we painted my room a charcoal gray yesterday and my son's room will be painted a really bright aqua blue. I have some furniture that needs painting too and as soon as it is all in place I'll post pictures (& I know I still need to post a picture of my tattoo).

Worst part about yesterday? I dropped my scale and right now it says I weigh 35lbs - if only it were true, right? ;) Unfortunately, I don't need a scale to tell me I've put on weight in the past few weeks and I'm trying to now worry about it because I figure I may be fat, but at least I'm on the road to happy too.

...plus I can always lose the extra lbs, just need to find the time to start running again.

?

Two more days until all of my furniture is in the new apartment and I am officially moved in!!

Do you know how exciting it is to have the freedom to decorate however I want after years of living with an asshole who hated everything?

It's pretty fucking exciting.

Thank you all for your love and support over the past year while I attempted to figure out exactly what in my life was holding me back. For the longest time I couldn't accept it, but I'm finally breaking free from a terribly toxic relationship and I am beyond hopeful for this next step in my life.

?

do you have $2,500.00?

'cause I sure don't

but I do feel like I'm in college again - 'Hey mom? Can I borrow some money?....'

moving day is the 27th

have to get the money to the lawyer by the 25th, so he can file papers by the 28th

yay! I'm so fucking close I can taste freedom :)

139

I decided I wanted some greasy fast food today - I order a ridiculous high caloric lunch because who doesn't love to ingest at least a days worth of calories in just under an hour?

I pull forward to pay, but wait - oh no! - where has my debit card gone? I rummage through my purse, the glove compartment, the center console - nothing. Sorry lady, I have nothing to pay for the ridiculous amount of food you are holding or for the diet coke you just handed me.

I get back to work, bummed that I had nothing to binge on. And a little concerned I may have actually lost my card, but no worries as I get out of the car, there it is, mocking me - the card was hiding under my fat ass.

Seriously - do I need more of a sign to show me that I have no business eating?

at least she let me keep the diet coke...

137

blah

I'm tired of hearing myself talk about the separation and custody, but since it is the only thing on my mind I've decided not to talk at all.

I'm just not a fan of my life right now.

*

10/12/10: 550
10/13/10: 1,125
10/14/10: 175

134

I guess it really shouldn't have surprised me that gut wrenching nausea would be my physical reaction to overwhelming emotions - obviously the b/p cycle started somewhere.

Right now, I have no desire to start that cycle up again. I want to know I can deal with life as it comes at me without having to hide in the bathroom.

I feel strong enough.

More importantly, I'm aware of the love and support that will help me get through the days I don't feel very strong at all.


10/12/10: 550 calories

135

Over the past few days I have had to fight the unexpected urge to vomit - as if someone punched me in the stomach and I feel the need to collapse, holding my stomach and dry heave.

I've never actually collapsed or thrown up - I just feel a compulsion to do it, like my body is out of my control and I'm fighting an impulse as routine as sneezing. It isn't specific to any one emotion, it just randomly hits me - whether I feel happy, sad, hopeful, scared, angry, tired, doesn't matter.

I'm sure it's just because I'm overwhelmed, but I don't like the feeling.

Nope, don't like it at all.

?

I ate a cow.

Sort of.

What a way to end a fast.

& I'm still tired, hungry and cranky.

*

The meeting with the lawyer went well. The ideal situation would be my husband and I agree to custody terms and sign a separation agreement before I move out, the lawyer would only charge $700 to draft & file the agreement (this would ensure the agreement will hold up in court if either of us tries to violate or dispute it). If he refuses to sign anything then I'll have to file suit against him the day I move out and our custody arrangement will be settled through court hearings (taking 3-6 months) and my lawyer said this may cost upwards of $5,000.00. The good news is that I can move out - the bad news is that I may have to beg my parents for $5,000.00+.

& the next day we went to the oh-so-fun counseling session - She is 'so impressed' with all the effort my husband is making and she suggested I work on forgiveness. Not going to happen. At the end she gave us 'homework': make & follow a chore chart. The sarcastic asshole in me wanted to give the lady a high five and say, 'yes! our marriage is saved!', but instead I just sighed and said, 'it isn't about the chores'. She still thinks I simple need to work on forgiveness instead of focusing my energy on moving out. Pffft, what the fuck does she know?

E seems to think a few days of following through with chores and dad duties is going to keep me around because when I mentioned I was planning on moving out he ignored me.

Plan is to move out Nov 1, already paid my 1st month rent.

Can't say I didn't warn him.

138

Still bloated - fuck this stress, I'm seriously over it - can't it be November already and can't I just start living my life and be done with all the planning and complicated shit?

I stayed up until 2am because I couldn't fall asleep next to the husband and the dog wouldn't let me have the couch to myself.

I'm tired, I have a headache, I'm hungry and in a shitty mood today.

I'm really anxious about meeting the lawyer - I don't know what I'll do if he tells me I have to settle legal matters before I can move out because you know that could take months. It would absolutely break me down, the only thing keeping me going right now is the light at the end of the tunnel - Nov 1.

My birthday is the following Friday and my birthday present will be settling into my own apartment.

It just has to be.

139

I almost passed out in the shower,

Is it strange that I found it kind of exciting?

I decided to add protein powder to my morning drink and I picked up a coffee with soy milk in it for lunch so I'm feeling better now than I did when I woke up, which is a good thing, other than I am up 4lbs. Bodies work in odd ways sometimes, huh?

*

I'm meeting a lawyer Tuesday afternoon to make sure I'm leaving the 'right' way according to state law and Wednesday morning the husband and I will go to counseling together. I'm hoping the counselor helps me get through to him that I'm actually leaving and my reasons for leaving are legit, but how likely is it that he'll actually understand? slim, I know, but can you blame a girl for hoping?

135

Jordan, you are not an asshat. My husband is an asshat.

Last night I took part in the most ridiculous conversation of my life (to date, because I can only imagine what 'fun' the future holds for me).

We were discussing my moving out and he basically concluded that I absolutely must return to counseling with him and then he will decide if our marriage is indeed over (or not). I'm not 'allowed' to move out because it would only show I am not in the proper mindset to raise a child and how dare I burden him the mortgage payment. Not to mention, even if he does decide he hates me, we would still have to find a way to continue living together to raise our son.

Seriously. Being raised by parents who hate each other? Yeah, that sounds like the ideal situation for a kid.

For fuck's sake - Why did it take me so long to realize what a douchebag this guy is? but don't worry, his rant hasn't changed any of my plans.

The 'escape route' is there and with a secret tattoo on my side for added confidence - I'm all set.

I'm still dropping off my paperwork and deposit at the apartment tonight. It's a cute little 1 bedroom w/ a den (I'll take the den, kid gets the room), a fireplace (yay!!, what? I like fire), and it's on the third floor with a huge balcony looking out into a wooded lot. Benefits include the cost is on the lower end of my budget, I have friends living in the same complex, 2 more friends about 5 miles away and a family friend, who is like a grandmother to my son, is only 10minutes away. Also found an affordable preschool right near my work with an opening coming up at the end of October. It's all pretty much falling into place.

Thank you all for your support, I wish I felt more amazing or worthy of admiration, but I am getting there.

& in my first ED related news in a while, I'm going to do a juice fast for October. I like to think I'm going to spend the month clearing out all toxins in my life - excess junk, terrible husband, bad food, & of course a little fat so that I can start November and my 27th year of life off right.

136

I know talk is cheap and as much as I want a fairy tale ending, I know if there is a happily ever after for me, it is not going to be with him.

I told my son about moving, I said how much his dad and I love him and how we would always love him no matter what just sometimes moms & dads need to live in different houses. I think he took the news pretty well, he even seems a little excited about having a new room. He only cried when I told him the dog wouldn't live with us and he keeps reminding me how much he'll miss the dog. It's so sad and I think it says a lot about my husband if his son cries over the dog, but doesn't cry about moving away from his dad.

I'm still looking for a preschool, but we should be moving into the apartment before the end of October.


ps - my tattoo hurts a little bit... ;) I figured since the husband won't be seeing me naked ever again I might as well go ahead with it. The feather is simple, no color and I love it. I'll post pictures as soon as it heals a little more, all the redness makes it kind of gross for now.

135

He swears he can change.

Why is part of me stupid enough to want to believe him?

135

He told me I was crazy and I was the one ruining the relationship.

Today I realized it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm the bitch or if he's the psycho. Or if both is true.

All that matters is this relationship isn't working out for either of us and I'm finally taking a stand for me.

I'm off to do some apartment shopping today, I would feel more comfortable having my own place than bunking (and feeling like a burden) with my friends.

Any advice on how to talk to my son about us moving out without dad? My husband cannot talk to me without yelling, so I think this is a conversation I'm going to have to do on my own.

135

looking at the brightside...

of my husband's hoarding habits, I will be able to fully furnish an apartment when I move out.

I did a little inventory check last night:

6 chairs
5 dressers
4 coffee tables
4 beds
3 tvs
3 computers
3 couches
3 sets of utensils
2 desks
2 kitchen tables
2 unpacked sets of glasses/plates
2 sets of pots/pans

keep in mind,

this is only a list of the items I'd consider from, there's plenty more crap in the house that I don't want

& we live in a 1,400sf, 3 bedroom house

Two of the beds are stacked in the 'office', boxspring, boxspring, mattress, mattress - it's like princess & the pea, it towers over in the room. He wouldn't let me sell the extra bed after we bought a new one for the master bedroom because - well - he's a hoarder, but I can certainly appreciate the positive that it is now because I get to take them with me!

yay!

This means the only big purchase I have to make when I move into a new place would be....

?

Anyone? Yeah, I'm thinking I'll be pretty well stocked as is.

135

Not too bad, I'm down 4lbs for September.

It's amazing how not speaking with my husband also frees me from all of the fatty foods he likes to eat. No random pizza for dinner nights or requests for me to stop for fast food - it very well may be one of the best things about the dissolution of this marriage. I think if/when I date again I'll want to find some skinny vegan boy, who loves fasting. Oh yeah, I know, I dream big...

Too bad I'll probably be stuck at this weight for a bit since I'm without a 'babysitter' for the rest of the week, which means no running. That may be the worst part about me leaving - no one to watch the kid while I run, but there is an easy enough solution to that problem - I'll just have to 'splurge' on a gym membership with daycare options ;)

The other kind of sad part? I think he'll want to keep the dog. It was supposed to be his dog anyway, but I'm secretly hoping he'll 'burden' me with the responsibility of caring for our doberman.

136

I told him.

Sort of.

I said I was going to be staying with a friend for a few days. Thursday - Sunday, & then he is out of town Monday - Tuesday so I'll stay at the house for the dog.

Could a few days turn into weeks, months....years? Probably.

I confirmed his 'worry' that I was already done with the relationship, in his words - I've checked out. I attempted to explain that I've spent the last 7 years giving him everything I had to offer and making excuses for his inability to reciprocate the love (& effort), the ending result being that I'm exhausted, I'm half the person I once was. I told him I have nothing left to give.

*

On a cheerier note, I have a standing appointment with the tattoo artist on the 28th, but since the peacock feather is tainted by my husband's words I want to hold off on it. I'm worried if I get it now I will always associate it with what he said, hopefully someday I'll get over it, but for now I'm thinking of getting something happy & positive, like 'chin up' (from Charlotte's Web) or some other positive affirmations, any suggestions?

136

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~Anaïs Nin

*

My husband is going out of town for work next Monday & Tuesday, here is to hoping I find the courage to move out while he is away.

Fuck I'm terrified already, I'm practically shaking. I can't even pinpoint what it is that I'm scared of.

Sure wish I felt a little less crazy.

140

I'm completely blown away by all of your comments. Thank you! Thank you! for making me feel a little less crazy and showing me he really is stealing my happiness one cruel word at a time.

I know I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm aware the more weight I lose and the more confident I become the worse the abuse gets. He was his kindest when I was fat and no one else wanted me, it may be why we went ahead and walked down the aisle because at the time I didn't realize his kindness was linked to my fat.

I can practically remember pulling on the suit of armor and wanting to play the rescuing hero when I first started dating him. He cried to me about how he had been hurt in the past and all the women before were so cruel to him and I promised never to hurt him the way they did and never to leave him. I promised all those things people do when they blindly enter a relationship.

The problem is: I keep my promises, for better or worse, but I'm starting to believe there is a first time for everything.

Time for me to start breaking some promises.

220

I feel like I'm 220lbs - Yesterday was a HUGE fucking fail of a day

I ate meat - I binged at home -I cried

a lot

you'd cry too if you received the following email from your husband:

Don't get the tattoo. You will probably grow to hate it because I will most likely tell you how much I hate it every time I see it. Your body can not handle a large tattoo. Tattoos should not be placed any where that is pudgy or does not have the appearance of being firm. You are a mother now with a mother's body and a tattoo like you want will not look good on a mother's body.

I hope it does make you think twice, & even if you lost weight you would look relatively the same where you want to get the tattoo.

This confirms that my fat husband sucks at life, the fucking hypocrite. He is saying I'm pudgy and I don't need anything accenting my fat, yet he is waddling around at an actual 220lbs in clothes that are too small for him.

The worst line? even if you lost weight you'd still look the same - I read that to mean, I won't find you sexy no matter how much weight you lose because you have a mother's body and always will. I know he thinks tattoos are sexy, I've seen his porn collection so his issue is not the tattoo, his issue is with my body.

Awesome.

Doesn't matter either way, the tattoo artist canceled tonight and I'll probably feel too fat and motherly to go through with it in two weeks anyway.

bonus? this weekend I get to play happy married couple at his sister's wedding, yay...

right now, I hate my fucking life.

135

Fruity Pebbles
Pomegranate yogurt

...not exactly on track with my fruit only day

but at least they both are pretending to contain fruits, right?

136

I'm sick of being average.

Except, I'm not because the average American woman is now a size 14. And really, how nerdy is it of me to be curious what the mode is? It's just, I want to believe the morbidly obese are skewing the number, but I guess a quick glimpse around any public arena will tell you size 14 may not be far from accurate.

So, I guess in the grand scheme of ever expanding American waistlines, I'm actually quite small at a size 6, but all I want is to be a size 4 before I turn 27. I think if I was a size 4 I'd feel less average, but I won't know until I get there. Liquids only today, tomorrow will be only fruit and Thursday add in veggies and maybe cycle that until I hit a new low.

I'd love to get your opinions, do you think I should do the peacock feather in color? or only black? I'm on the fence about it.

136

I took some much needed time for myself and made the whole weekend a 'fat and happy' kind of weekend - lots of friends, drinking & food - Not so in love with the fat part, but I can tolerate some bad with the good. And I have all week to make up for my indiscretions.

I finally stopped by the tattoo shop!! but unfortunately the artist I like was not in town so I have to wait until Thursday. I hung out for a bit and chatted with a few of the other guys in the shop about my husband's disapproval and they offered to sketch out some different options. I wasn't surprised by their encouragement to go ahead with the tattoo the way I liked it best despite his thoughts, but I was impressed with how understanding and sympathetic they were to my husband's feelings - it was sweet and I really can't wait to see what they come up with.

It doesn't really matter to me that I won't be 130 or that I'm not sure what design I'm going with, I'm just excited to get a tattoo Thursday!!

134

Wonderful things today:

I'm 134!!

You all are fabulous, thanks for listening to my problems and giving your input, it's appreciated more than you may ever know. My husband does take meds, but I don't think he shares enough about how he is fuctioning on his meds or his drug manager doesn't give a fuck - maybe somewhere in the middle? He refuses to find a new doctor because...well, who knows why, I just don't think this doctor has helped him make much progress over the last year and it might be time to try someone new. We all know all doctors are not created equal, there are stupid doctors out there just like there are genius mechanics running around, but I don't need to convince you.

& Zen passed an award onto me :)

things I hate
1: cocky people - you know the ones who think they are better than everyone else for absolutely no good reason
2: money - it pollutes the world because no one ever seem to have enough
3: fat - do I really need to explain why?
4: other people's kids - I find 98% of children I meet to be disrespectful, obnoxious aholes

things I love
1: large breed dogs - anything over 50lbs. I'm just not a fan of little dogs, I always think I'm going to step on them
2: rain - it washes everything clean, smells wonderful and it's fun to splash around in puddles
3: my family - we're a little fucked up since we all have issues with food and body image in one way or another, but I think we are still a pretty amazing little unit
4: flowers - not roses and not cut boquets. I love smelling them in gardens and nothing is prettier than a field of wildflowers.

& I wish I could share all the blogs I love, but here are a few I think you should swing by :)

Don't Eat Lemons
Arexisaurus
Zette
Mich
jd

135

250 liquid calories? How the fuck did I do that?

I noticed something nice in the mirror today...I know, something nice in the mirror? what a rarity!...I have ribs showing on my back & my sides, lovely little ribs poking through and my collarbone is more pronounced than before

I'm going for another day of liquids, but I'm already settled on the idea of how high the calorie count will be today since I have my heart set on a latte for lunch since this week has been exhausting.

I want to acknowledge that onetenam is right, I do have some wonderful, lovely bloggers who listen to my whining and love me anyway - thank you, it has been a huge relief to have somewhere to vent (and get some feedback)

& now, back to my venting

. . .

Last night my husband and I spent time talking/yelling at each other and sifting through all the little bullshit and we finally came to an agreement/understanding of our individual fails.

- I have no consideration for his mood disorder.

- He lacks the ability to compromise.

I think the conclusion we came to is good, but only because we figured out (and agree on) the 'root' of our problems. The bad part? Those are some huge issues to overcome.

I'm embarrassed to say my patience and understanding for his mental health is lacking (or sadly may be nonexistent) - how can I have my own issues with depression (& an ED) and not understand that some things you can't just 'get over'? I'm aware my following statement is wrong, logically I know this, but I can't let go of the idea that: my mental state is always within my control, so in turn his mental state should be within his. I know I'm ridiculous. To help me better understand his situation, I'm shopping around for books to help guide me as the spouse of someone with bipolar disorder and anxiety, any chance any of you have some suggestions?

& for his issue - how does someone who believes the world runs in black & white learn to find the gray areas? He is so stubborn and hard headed that if he states the sky is green, it doesn't matter what you say because that sky will always be green in his mind and you are an idiot to believe otherwise...no seriously, we had this conversation once...

Am I so far off in thinking the issues we each bring to the relationship would probably be considered deal breakers?

& apparently, if I go ahead and get the tattoo then I am being openly defiant and spiteful towards him and he'll never want to see me naked again. First thing I think to myself is, 'fuck, I'll show you spiteful' and I start dreaming up a huge side tattoo and how I could lose 5lbs by Monday...

Jesus Christ, I know this marriage is fucked up.

135

liquids only day

it just seems appropriate to make up for yesterday

too bad the coffee I made this morning tastes like dirt since I only put enough water in for one cup, but enough grounds to make a whole pot...

whatever, I'm still drinking this shit

*oh, & I say my husband doesn't deserve my love because he practically spits all over it. Love may be a gift meant to be given freely, but that doesn't mean others should insult it. I just wish he valued my love and if he doesn't value my love, then why does he keep me?

137

Things I did today:

- purged.

I hated it...but I kind of liked it too

- told my husband I loved him

he doesn't deserve my love

Why can't I seem to quit things I know are bad for me?

137

I didn't realize it was possible to drink yourself stupid, but I think I managed to do just that over the 3 day weekend.

Unfortunately, I'm still fighting with my husband, which of course leads me to entertain the idea of leaving him (again). Yesterday I perused apartments to see if there was anything I could afford and instead of stopping by to get the tattoo placed I decided to get sloppy drunk with some friends.

Personally I think it was an excellent decision.

137

21 day Vegan Kickstart

If you've been flirting with the idea of going vegan, now would be a great time to give it a shot.

Also, I'm going today to have the tattoo placed! :) Hopefully I'll be able to snap a decent photo & get all of your opinions too.

136

Thank you all so much for your advice on the tattoo issue.

I'll post a response to a few of your comments later, but I don't have much time today. I just wanted to post that I'm 136, which means 3lbs down in 3 days :) & that I've made my decision about the tattoo.

I'm going to ask the tattoo artist to place the outline for the feather on my side (either tonight or tomorrow depending on time) that way my husband can see it before it's permanent and no matter how he feels about it after actually seeing it, I'm still going through with it when I hit 130.

Thanks again everyone!

138

Forgive me, but I hate being married.

I wish all of the possessions in the home were mine again and I could paint them, cut them, burn them, or throw them out as I see fit. I'm sick of trying to convince someone else of my plans.

& it's beyond the furniture, apparently my body is 'off limits' for alterations as well.

I canceled the tattoo appointment in August because I wasn't 130 and last night when I mentioned to my husband that I was going to make the appointment for the end of September, he flat out told me no. He said he thinks the tattoo is a stupid idea and that he doesn't want to look at it for the rest of his life. His suggestion? that I draw the feather on a mirror or keep a picture of it in my wallet if I like it so much. I think he completely missed the point of tattoos. I tried offering a few alternative ideas for my tattoo, like he should help me design a different feather he might like better, or he could suggest a different location that he thought was more fitting, or he could help design an entirely new tattoo that held the same meaning. But non of those worked because he can be a hard headed prick sometimes.


Honestly, I'd get the tattoo today if I had the cash available (& if my sister would send me her feather sketch since I hate all of mine) because I'm a defiant bitch like that. But since I neither have a personal sketch nor the money, I'll have to wait.

Horribly enough, there is a little voice in the back of my head saying I should 'honor & obey' my husband - fucking old school mentality still creeps into my feminist brain - so I wanted to get your opinions, whether you're married or not, do any of you have a better argument in his favor?

Keep in mind, I have tried to put myself in his shoes, how would it make me feel if he wanted a tattoo that I objected? I think tattoos are so personal and as long as it wasn't blatantly inappropriate, like another woman's name, then I'm ok with it because after all it is his body and his vision of art not mine.

139

I think I've mentioned before that neither my husband nor I are neat people. We aren't exactly messy, but we don't really keep a clean house either. Please don't think we live in filth, it's not like we could have a spot on the show Hoarders, but we would probably fit in over at Clean House.

It's incredibly frustrating because even when I clean - I mean hardcore scrub baseboards, vacuum windows, rearrange furniture, even touch up paint the walls - it's still not clean enough because we have so much crap in such a tiny space. I went a little crazy with cleaning last night, but I almost went fucking nuts this morning when I wake up and look around only to find that the house still looks unkempt.

I wish we could be featured on Clean House, maybe Niecy Nash would be able to convince my husband to throw out at least 1 of the 4 coffee tables in our living room, and the worst part? he doesn't even like coffee....

139

139 - not bad after a week of free food & family, did I mention

Colorado is gorgeous and wonderful (especially when being compared to North Carolina) and after this trip I've come to the conclusion that I have 2 options. I'm going to need my husband to a. change his mind about cold winters or b. die and then I can move there.

Obviously, if I could pick I 'd choose option a and don't think I'm the awful person in this scenario, my husband has some serious health problems for being only 26 and he's the one who keeps saying things like 'when I die you can do that'.

& my 10% paycut is temporary, but that's only because my job here is basically temporary. The company is barely bringing in enough to cover payroll each week, but luckily it's Wednesday and we just received enough cash for Friday's checks. Yay for being certain I'm getting paid!

Also, I wanted to share my monthly food budget with you all (keep in mind the groceries are mostly coke zero and food for a small child and a fat man)

groceries: $300
alcohol: $60
lunch: $10

There are a few things I find amazing about my budget, let me point them out for you...

-I am proposing to only consume $60 of booze a month, which means I'll be entering some horrible state of sobriety or I'll need to seriously downgrade to popov vodka or something equally cheap and disgusting

-I am able to plan meals (only breakfast & dinner) for a family of three at the cost of around $4 a meal

-oddly enough (or not really that odd at all) my lunch & my prescription money are one in the same because adderall is fabulous savings my wallet & my waistline

I have a feeling being poor is going to look good on me ;)